3 Tips to End Bedroom Boredom 🥱

Hey crew! 👋

Here’s your biweekly dose of Pillow Talk. A couple months ago, Billie and I were biking through L.A.’s Venice Beach. Amongst the tall wobbly palm trees, baby blue sky, and rolling sand dunes, we cruised past couples skateboarding, walking their dogs, eating ice cream, watching the waves – doing things that couples do. It got us talking about the difference between routines vs. rituals.

Routines vs. Rituals - Why Should You Care?

Routines are a series of behaviours often done in a sequential, repeated, and regular way. Getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing your teeth. Routines help you streamline your decision-making and automate much of what you do. Through their familiarity and predictability, routines also bring a sense of order, allowing you to feel more stable, organised, and in control. 

On the flip side, we all know what it feels like to get a little too comfortable in our day to day. You might find yourself being complacent, avoidant or even closing yourself off to new experiences. You might even follow your routine so strictly that you feel thrown off when it’s disrupted. There’s also the challenge of navigating boredom, disconnection, and monotony – all of which can lead to stagnation in the bedroom as well as stress, apathy, and burnout beyond it.

Unlike your routines, which are likely automatic, rituals are deliberate, symbolic, and meaningful. Routines are functional and utilitarian, rituals are ceremonial and symbolic. Showering every morning before work is a routine for hygiene, having a candlelit bath and reflecting on your week is a ritual for connecting with oneself. Whereas routines provide you with stability and structure throughout your day, rituals provide you with significance and meaning throughout your life. We need ‘em both. However because of their automaticity, routines tend to take over and rituals get left behind – especially in the bedroom.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Choose one routine to change this week. For example, if you always read before bed, try listening to music instead. If you always take the same route, mix it up and try a different one. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, presentness, etc. and whether there are any feelings of resistance.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. Imagine walking me through a typical day in your life, from the moment you wake up to when you go to sleep. Which parts of your day are structured by routines, and which (if any) are shaped by rituals?

2. How do your current routines and rituals align with your broader life goals and personal values? Are there any that you feel might be hindering your progress or wellbeing? What about the progress or wellbeing of your relationship(s)?

Rituals: 3 Tips to Stop Bedroom Boredom

#1 Create a sensuality ritual (and no, this isn’t “foreplay”)

We know that most women experience responsive desire and that context matters. We also know that sex is often routine, especially in long-term relationships. So, create a sensuality ritual. Make the space you’re in erotic (play with lighting, smells, textures, timing, mental space, etc.) and focus on cultivating the sensual over the sexual. Maybe have a bath or shower with your bae, set a 10 minute timer and give each other massages or dedicate an evening to sensory play. It’s up to you to decide whether or not sex is on the table.

#2 Complete (and share) an intimacy inventory or sex menu

There are lotsa different versions of these (e.g. sex menus, needs lists, etc.). These are all communication tools to help you (and your partners) explore likes and curiosities as well as be clear on boundaries. I really like Esther Perel’s Intimacy Inventory or here’s an example of a Sex Menu by Lelo. Use these tools as templates to establish a more regular communication ritual that gets you talking about sex.

#3 Try 1 thing different next time you’re intimate (solo or partnered)

Most people masturbate the same way their whole lives and most couples end up having the same sex time and time again. Think about your “1 Thing to Try This Week” activity and apply the same principle to the bedroom. Decide on 1 thing you’d like to do differently and/or 1 thing you’re curious about and would like to try. Next time you’re getting intimate, do this 1 thing. See if you can make a habit of introducing something different on a regular cadence.

Well gang, hope you enjoyed this week’s read on rituals and routines. I’m currently fresh off a shoulder surgery and missing all of my own so I hope you make the most of your week and enjoy some for me! If there are any you feel like sharing, as always I love to hear back from ya.

Hugs and Happy Spooky Day to all of y’all 🎃

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