Hi my loves 🧡

Here’s your next dose of Turned On - your 5-minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

In Monday’s newsletter, I ran a poll asking which of Esther Perel's 7 verbs of sex you find hardest. 30% of you said asking. It was the clear winner. But it was one reply that really got me. Someone wrote back: "I don't even know what to ask for, let alone HOW to ask for it." And I thought to myself, yes. That’s exactly it. That's the thing I hear all the time. It’s not always a communication problem, but a need to understand what the hell to communicate in the first place.

Because here's what I've noticed in my work. The women who struggle to ask for what they want in bed aren't bad communicators. Most of them are brilliant communicators in every other area of their lives. The issue isn't necessarily that they can't find the words. It's that they don't know what the words are for. They've lost touch with what they actually want. And you can't articulate something you haven't met yet.

This Week's Read...

Who were you the last time you knew?

Think back to the last time you felt genuinely connected to your desire. Not going along with someone else's. Not performing what you thought was expected. But actually knowing, in your body, what you wanted. For some of you that might have been recently. For others, it might have been years. And for some of you, honestly? It might have been never.

Here's the thing. We change. Constantly. Your body after children is not the body you had at 22. Your nervous system after a health scare, a loss, a period of burnout is not the same nervous system you had before. Your identity after becoming a mother, going through menopause, leaving a relationship, changing careers... you are not the same woman you were. And yet so many of us are still operating from a sexual blueprint that was drawn up years ago, sometimes decades ago, by a version of ourselves that no longer exists.

The identity gap nobody talks about

This is what I see all the time. Women who've done enormous amounts of growing and evolving in every area of their life, their careers, their friendships, their sense of self, but their sexual identity hasn't moved an inch. It's still stuck somewhere around their early twenties, or wherever it was last given any real attention.

And it makes sense. When did anyone ever tell you to sit down and figure out who you are sexually? Not what your partner wants. Not what the internet says you should like. But what genuinely turns you on right now, in this body, at this stage of your life? We update our wardrobes, our careers, our social circles. We go to therapy to understand our emotional selves. But the sexual self? That just gets left behind. And then we wonder why we can't ask for what we want. You can't ask for what you haven't discovered yet.

The identity-shifting moments that reset everything

Certain experiences completely rewire who we are and how we relate to our bodies. Even positive changes like falling in love again or coming into a new sense of confidence. These moments don't just change your life. They change your body. They change what feels good, what feels safe, what feels exciting. And if you don't pause to get curious about who you are on the other side of them, you end up trying to have sex as someone you used to be. No wonder it feels off!

I hear this constantly from my clients. "I just don't feel like myself anymore." And my question is always: have you met the new version of yourself yet? Because she might want completely different things. And she deserves the chance to figure that out.

Discovery comes before language

This is the order most people get wrong. They try to jump straight to communication. "Just tell your partner what you want!" But you can't put language to something you haven't experienced, explored, or even allowed yourself to imagine. Discovery has to come first. That means getting curious about your own body again. Not with a goal. Not with pressure. Just with genuine curiosity. What feels good right now? What's changed? What am I drawn to that I wasn't before? What used to work that doesn't anymore?

This might look like solo exploration. It might look like journalling about desire. It might look like consuming content that turns you on and paying attention to what specifically does it (who is a fellow smut reader?!). It might look like slowing everything right down and treating yourself like someone you're getting to know for the first time. Because in many ways, you are.

And then comes confidence

Once you start to know yourself again, the asking gets easier. Not easy. Easier. Because now you have something to say. You've got language because you've got experience. You've got specifics because you've been paying attention. But I won't pretend that confidence just appears. For a lot of women, sexual confidence has taken hit after hit over the years. From partners who didn't prioritise their pleasure, from a culture that told them to be desirable but not desiring, from their own bodies changing in ways that made them feel like a stranger in their own skin.

If you'd rather skip the group thing and get personalised support, you can always book a free discovery call with me below. No pressure, no judgement. Just a conversation about where you are and where you want to be.

Your Weekly Framework to Turn Yourself On

💡 One thing to try: Set aside 15 minutes this week for a solo body scan. Lie down somewhere comfortable, close your eyes, and slowly move your hands over your body with zero agenda. Not trying to turn yourself on. Just noticing. What feels nice? What feels neutral? What feels different to how it used to? Get curious about the body you're living in right now.

❓ Two questions to ponder: If you had to describe your sexual identity today, without referencing a past version of yourself, what would you say? What has changed in your life recently that might mean what you want in bed has changed too?

🎧 One piece of content to consume: Research some books with spicy scenes, find one that takes your fancy and give it a go! Even if it’s nothing like what you are usually into reading… you might surprise yourself.

Love, Lexy 🧡

p.s. If you want an even bigger dose of science-based tips, tools and techniques to help improve your sexual wellbeing, follow us on the ‘gram (and join the other 50K folx who already do!)