How Being Alone Can F*ck Up Your Health

Hey crew! 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5(ish) minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life. This week we’re starting Pillar No. 2 (Intimacy) so I’ll throw you some science. Here’s a holla for my fellow nerds in the audience (I see you 😘).

Social connection as a human drive

Let’s define intimacy as feelings of connection or closeness in our relationships (romantic and otherwise). Much like hunger or thirst, social connection is a human drive (see research by Dr. Andrew Huberman). This drive is influenced by certain areas of your brain and the release of hormones and neurotransmitters like dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin. When these parts of your body are in balance, you’re in ‘social homeostasis’.

When you lack the intensity or frequency of social connection you need to maintain ‘social homeostasis’, you’ll start to crave it and actively seek it out, e.g. text a friend, call family, go on a date. However, if you go without social connection for too long (#quarantineflashbacks), similarly to fasting, your body gets used to it. Thus, your motivation to seek out social interaction decreases (and you move towards introversion).

Rethinking introversion & extroversion

Pausing here for some fun extrovert vs. introvert gab. Most of us have the pseudo-science stereotype that in group settings quiet = introverted and chatty = extroverted. Not the case.

Part of what determines social homeostasis is the release of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for getting us to take action towards things that feel good.

We can assume that when introverts connect socially, the level of dopamine released from that interaction is higher than that of an extrovert. Therefore, they need less social interaction to feel ‘fed’ (i.e. maintain social homeostasis). On the flip side, someone who is more extroverted releases lower levels of dopamine and therefore needs more social interaction to feel ‘fed’.

Both dopamine and oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’) contribute to high feelings of satisfaction in our relationships. Fun fact about oxytocin - it plays a key role in heart rate synchronization, which is the phenomenon where your heart rate syncs up with someone else’s during social connectivity (also why breathwork and eye gazing are great exercises for building intimacy).

What does this all have to do with intimacy?

Because social connection is a drive, disruptions to its balance, e.g. relationship conflict, a lack of touch, feeling disconnected etc., can have a very real negative effect on our overall health. Likewise, feeling connected to our partners can have a very real positive effect on our overall health (and relationship longevity).

The longer we go without intimacy - or, arguably sex - the more likely we are to become accustomed to this state and lose motivation to seek it out. Now, that’s not necessarily a good or a bad thing, it just is. What is important to flag however, is that if we become accustomed to a new ‘normal’, then the behaviour change, the energy required, the mental blockers etc. required to get out of that state may feel a helluva lot heavier to work with.

To all my single ladies…

Within our bodies, there aren’t actually different circuits for different connections (e.g. romantic, friendship, familial) - there’s only one. So, if you’re single, divorced, in a long-distance relationship etc., there are still plenty of opportunities to build intimacy with non-romantic partners so you can hit that sweet spot of social homeostasis.

1 Thing to Try This Week

You know that person in your life who always brings you energy? Video call, face-to-face, voice note - doesn’t matter. Connect and fill your cup ☕️

2 Questions to Ponder

1. Who in your life brings you energy, drains your energy, is neutral?

2. How can you maximize time spent with the gains and minimize time spent with the drains and neutrals? Note: personally, I consider neutral as negative as it’s not giving me anything and it takes away time from others 🤷‍♀️

3 Read/Watch/Listens

• 📊 16 Personalities & Myers Briggs (everyone 🖤s a quiz)

• 👀 How to Increase Desire Masterclass - Passcode iGRDj6&S - with Billie (s/o to those who emailed about a recording)

• ✍️ Nurturing Desire Workbook - a Ferly freebie with 3 exercises for self-discovery.

To any of y’all with low libido, Billie’s running a few free 1:1 coaching calls to go through your current blockers and set goals. Spaces are limited and there’s no rescheduling - apply for your 1:1 here. 

And that’s a 🌯

Have an energy-filled week ya lovely people,

p.s. If you’d like a daily dose - follow us on the ‘gram. Here’s a recent post on 5 Sensual Games for Intimacy and How to Play with Touch.