Anger Styles: Which One Are You?

Hey crew! 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk. Missed ya last week! Billie and I were in need of a recharge, so we took ourselves to Lisbon for some surfing, sun and sleep. 💤

In our daily musings, we got to talking about feelings and one of the topics that came up was anger. Enter this week’s read…

Anger Styles

Different schools of thought identify different ‘anger styles’ or types of anger. For today, I’m focusing on the Big 5. Each one needs to be managed differently however as a starting point, you need to know your default(s):

Passive-Aggressive

This is a non-confrontational form of anger where individuals express their anger indirectly. This looks like the silent treatment, the backhanded compliments, the sarcasm, the brush off. It might even show up by withholding touch, affection or sex as a form of punishment, all the while insisting that “everything's fine".

Whilst aggressive anger generally gets the bad rep, so I wanna take a beat to discuss how this one’s just as destructive. Passive-aggressive anger is manipulative because it's often a form of emotional punishment and control. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, I withdraw, refuse to communicate, and create a feeling of isolation and rejection for the other person.

I put the person on the receiving end in a position where they feel compelled to appease or comfort me, just to restore communication or peace in the relationship. I’m able to gain control and power in the situation, without having to address the actual problem or take responsibility for my own feelings or actions. It's also harmful because it doesn't allow for resolution or growth in my relationship.

Hostile or Aggressive

This is the type of anger that is most easily recognized. It's often loud, demanding, and explosive. It can seemingly come out of nowhere and often escalates into verbal or physical confrontations (e.g. slamming a door). It's a form of anger that seeks to dominate and control. It’s a sudden, intense reaction that can be scary for both the person experiencing it and those around them.

In my relationship, this might look like lashing out at my partner, accusing them of not caring or “always/never doing X”. I might raise my voice, use harsh/cutting words, or even become physically aggressive. This type of anger can be very damaging to a relationship and can often lead to feelings of fear or resentment.

Suppressed or Passive Anger

This type of anger is kept inside and not expressed at all. It can lead to resentment, anxiety, and depression over time. It looks like denying or ignoring anger, it’s the "I don't get angry" or "I just let it go" approach. I try to trick myself by suppressing and minimizing my feelings even though they are absolutely still there.

Over time, I might withdraw from my partner, avoid intimacy and sex, and feel more disconnected from myself and from them. Holding anger inside also massively contributes to resentment (and even disassociation), whereby it can lead to other issues, like anxiety or depression.

Projective-Aggressive

This type of anger is a tricky one to pin down. It’s where a person projects their anger onto others, often blaming them for their own feelings of anger. This can manifest in a variety of ways, such as accusing a partner of not being attracted to them or not caring about their needs, when in reality, it's their own insecurities or dissatisfaction that's causing these feelings.

For example, if I was feeling unsatisfied with my sex life and instead of communicating my needs, I blame my partner for not satisfying me. I might accuse them of being selfish or uncaring, when in reality, I’m angry at myself for not being able to express my needs or desires. Plus, this can lead to a cycle of blame and resentment, which can further exacerbate the problem.

Assertive

This is the healthy and constructive form of anger. It involves expressing feelings and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others. It's about standing up for oneself while also respecting others.

For example, I might tell my partner, "I feel neglected when we don’t spend time kissing during sex. I need you to slow down and prioritize this part of intimacy. This shows me that you understand and are focused on meeting my needs."

For some, anger may also be chronic/habitual. Anger is a way to interact with the world, often because it's what was learned growing up. It’s persistent and doesn't go away easily. Understanding and managing your anger takes practice. The first step in doing so, is accepting your angry and acknowledging what style(s) you default do.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Identify and understand your anger style. Next time you feel angry, take a step back and observe how you're expressing it (or not). See if you can start to identify your default style(s).

2 Questions to Ponder

1. How does my anger style affect my relationships and my own well-being?

2. What steps can I take to give myself permission to be angry and/or to express my anger more assertively?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

👀 Anger is Your Ally: A Mindful Approach to Anger TEDx by Juna Mustad

📚 Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Focused on women - oldie but a goodie.

🎧 Working with Anger: The Being Well Podcast w Dr. Rick Hanson

Catch ya next week ya cool cats,