Purpose and play in your sex life

Heya! 👋

Here’s Pillow Talk - your 5ish minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

Over the last few years, I’ve felt more at odds with the concept of spirituality as I’ve begun to associate it with all things “woo-woo”. Recently, I’ve been trying to challenge my own biases and have since found a framing of spirituality that really resonated for me. Spirituality as play, imagination, creativity and purpose (Dr. Nicole LePera).

If you apply this framing to your own life, it opens up a whole new way of thinking about intimacy (and spiritual intimacy)…

What is the purpose of your relationship(s)? Has this changed over time? Do you have shared relationship goals? What does play look like for you? How do you integrate play – and pleasure and aliveness – into your life and relationship(s)? How do you feed your imagination? How does this relate to your fantasies and desire? How does creativity show up in your relationship(s)? Do you bring novelty into them or are you more on auto-pilot and following the same routines?

Think of spiritual intimacy as the connection you build to yourself and/or to someone else. Read on for how to nurture it…

1 Thing to Try This Week

Start by choosing a pillar: play, imagination, creativity or purpose. Next, select an activity below (solo and/or partnered).

Play

Solo → Do one thing this week “just for fun”. Not because you should, but because it feels good. Even better if it’s something you don’t normally do. Ideas: colour, bake, do a puzzle, draw something, dance in your kitchen, try a new sport etc.

Partnered → Similar vibes except that you are going to do it together. Ideas: puzzling or colouring, playing tag (partner and I do this one all the time), hide and go seek, dancing. You could also play with touch. Set a timer for 10 minutes and take turns experimenting with different types of non-sexual but pleasurable touch with no intention of it leading anywhere.

Imagination

Challenge yourself to write down one of your erotic fantasies. Write as much detail as you can (and with as little judgment as possible). If doing this exercise partnered, have the other person to do the same. Share either your whole fantasy and/or key elements of it.

Creativity

Solo → Do things in a different and/or opposite way than you normally would. For example, if you normally bike or drive, walk. If you normally eat oatmeal for breakfast, make a scramble. If you normally listen to indie music, put on afro-house. You know your defaults, whatever they are - spend a day dedicated to mixing them up.

Partnered → Same deal. Reverse roles for a day. If one person normally does “X” and you do “Y”, swap. If your partner normally cooks, you do the cooking. If you normally initiate, it’s their turn, etc.

Overall, pay attention to how habitual you are. Notice automatic behaviours, patterns, defaults, etc. Sit with how trying on something “new” feels.

Purpose

Solo → Take 10-20 minutes to reflect on things that bring you meaning, joy and energy (as well as those that don’t). Write 1-3 sentences that encapsulate what you imagine your life purposes might be. Keep in mind, these can always change. This is just a starting point.

Partnered → take 10-20 minutes individually to reflect on what your relationship means to you and what a “successful” relationship looks like. Share these. Together, write 1-3 sentences that encapsulate the purpose of your relationship and what you both aspire to get out of it.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. How do I feel about the concept of “spirituality”? Why? What’s my own definition?

2. How, if at all, am I already integrating spiritual intimacy into my life? How could I integrate more?

3 Read/Watch/Listens 

📚 Letters from Esther #20: Play… Play is the infinite testing ground for creativity. It doesn’t end when childhood ends. Some musings from Esther Perel.

👀 Teach Girls Bravery, Not Perfection a TED talk by Reshma Saujani, the founder of Girls Who Code.

🎧 How to Overcome Apathy and Find Beautiful Purpose - Jack Kornfield on the Tim Ferriss Podcast

If you want to help be a part of the sexual wellness movement and/or know someone who could benefit from reading Pillow Talk, please share it:

That’s it for this week crew, happy pondering and I’ll catch ya soon! 🥳

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