How to Communicate Across Attachment Styles

Hello ya wonderful reader 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life. Combining the intimacy and communication pillar, this week we’re looking at attachment styles and how to communicate across ‘em. Let’s dive in 🌊

What are attachment styles?

Within psychology, attachment styles are how we interact, connect and relate to other people. They are shaped by our early interactions - or lack of - with our primary caregivers.

There are 4 general attachment styles, each of which develops from our childhood: anxious, avoidant, anxious-avoidant (‘disorganized’), and secure. Here’s a little map I made to summarize:

Knowing how to communicate across styles is a great way of meeting one another’s needs, managing conflict, and ensuring healthy long-term relationships. This is especially true for ‘clashing’ styles, which tend to actually attract each other (i.e. anxious and avoidant).

Communicating Across Anxious Styles

Anxious. In relationships, anxious styles tend to ‘push’ others away as they feel like their partner(s) isn’t as close as they’d like them to be. They get nervous about distance, not being good enough and about their partner(s) leaving them. They may fear rejection or abandonment and often crave reassurance.

Needs - To communicate effectively with an anxious style, be consistent and reassure them of your presence and support.

• Prompt: Provide reassurance and validate their feelings.

• Script: "I want you to know that I'm here for you and I care about you. It's completely normal to feel worried or anxious sometimes, and I'm here to support you through those moments."

Communicating Across Avoidant Styles

Avoidant. Avoidant styles tend to ‘pull’ away from others and don’t like getting too close to their partner(s). They tend to have a guard up around feelings and don’t like being dependent on others/having people dependent on them. They can be seen as cold, disinterested or distant. They often value their independence and may struggle with vulnerability.

Needs - To communicate with an avoidant style, it's essential to respect their boundaries and encourage open communication without being too intrusive.

• Prompt: Give them space but also invite them to share their feelings.

• Script: "I understand that you might need some space right now, but I'm here for you if you'd like to talk or share your feelings whenever you're ready."

Communicating Across Anxious-Avoidant (aka ‘Disorganized’) Styles

Anxious-avoidant (‘disorganized’). Less common, this style generally comes from past trauma. They oscillate between anxious and avoidant, both pushing and pulling. They may display mixed signals and unpredictable behaviour which can be confusing for them and their partner(s).

Needs - To communicate with an anxious-avoidant style, it’s essential to remain patient and empathetic.

• Prompt: Be patient and empathetic, allowing them to lead the conversation.

• Script: "I can see that you might be feeling a bit conflicted right now. I want you to know that I'm here to listen and support you, no matter what you're going through. Please take your time and let me know how I can help."

Communicating Across Secure Styles

Secure. This is what we’re aiming for in relationships. They find it easy to build and maintain relationships. They’re comfortable depending on and being depended on and they don’t really worry about their partner(s) leaving them. Their relationship(s) feels equal. A person with a secure attachment style is typically comfortable with intimacy and trusting others.

Needs - When communicating with them, you can be open and genuine.

• Prompt: Express your feelings and needs openly.

• Script: "I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, and I would really appreciate it if we could spend some time together talking and connecting."

1 Thing to Try This Week

Take 2 minutes to reflect on your childhood. Think about your primary caregiver(s) and how you experienced love and security (or didn’t). Take a guess at what attachment style you think you are.

2 Questions to Ponder

• What do I need to feel loved? To feel secure?

• How do I give/demonstrate love? And security?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

📚 Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant, or Secure? by Dr. Levine and Heller

👀 What is your Attachment Style? by The School of Life

📊 5 Minute Attachment Style Test by The Attachment Project

And that’s it for this week’s read, as always - thanks for tuning in! Enjoy the rest of the week and I’ll catch ya next Tuesday ⚡️

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