Hi friends! 👋

Here’s your biweekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

So, We’re Writing a Book…

For those of you who haven’t heard, we’re writing a book with Penguin.

It’s jam packed with science, personal shares, and 24 practical tools to explore yourself both in the bedroom and beyond it.

Some of y’all have already signed up to be a Beta chapter reader. If you’d like to too, we still have a few spots open 👇👇👇

As a Beta Reader, you’ll get a S/O in the book (if you want) and access to bonus content, launch exclusives and live Q&As. 

This Week’s Read…

Why we should stop worrying about desire and starting focusing on pleasure.

Sex. How much do you want it? How much should you want it? How much do you have it? How much should you have it? And no answer ever feels ‘right’.

But what would happen if we changed the question?

As Emily Nagoski argues in her new book Come Together,

“Great sex is not about how much you desire sex or how often you have to do it. It’s not about what you do, in which position, with whom or where or in what clothes, even how many orgasms you have. It’s whether you like the sex you’re having.”

What if we stopped worrying about how much we want sex and instead focus on how to better enjoy it..?

Desire vs. Pleasure

Desire is your experience of ‘wanting’.

It’s closely related to your motivation and drive systems. You feel desire when you anticipate, crave or are driven to seek something out. This might be a person, a sensation, an experience or a fresh almond croissant (sigh 🥐🧑‍🍳🤌😘).

In your brain, desire shows up in your limbic system and your pre-frontal cortex. The limbic system is a complex set of brain structures involved in emotion, motivation, memory, and behavior regulation. The prefrontal cortex, is located in the front part of your brain, and it’s all about executive functions like decision-making, impulse control, and planning.

Pleasure is your experience of ‘enjoying’.

In a nutshell, pleasure is your emotional and physiological response to stimuli that feel good or satisfying. Pleasure is a subjective experience and highly individual, which makes it about as personal as it gets.

It shows up in different areas in your brain to desire and is primarily associated with your reward system. This is responsible for the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins, which contribute to feelings of happiness and contentment.

Why You Should Focus on Pleasure over Desire

Sometimes desire and pleasure align, sometimes they don’t. Both are totally normal. Here are some reasons why we should stop worrying about how much we want sex and instead focus on whether we like the sex we’re having (S/O to Emily Nagoski).

Quality over Quantity

While desire might drive the frequency of sex, pleasure emphasizes whether it actually feels good. Focusing on quality can make our sexual experiences more connective, enjoyable and satisfying rather than simply rushing through or trying to get another round in.

Reduction of Sexual Anxiety

When we put the pressure on ‘getting on’ and ‘getting off’, we tend to ignore the journey of ‘getting’. When we prioritize desire and have the expectation that we turn on just like that 🫰, we set ourselves up for things like sexual anxiety, difficulties with performance, anorgasmia, painful sex, etc.

Sexual Adaptability

From stress to tiredness to relationship dynamics, desire fluctuates and can be notoriously inconsistent. Focusing on pleasure allows for adaptability in our sexual experiences and helps them to remain enjoyable and satisfying even when our desire levels change.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Experience a simple pleasure every day this week. Whether that’s enjoying that almond croissant or the warmth of sun on your skin, the smell of fresh laundry, a bit of movement, a Sunday morning romp, doesn’t matter. Pay attention to your relationship to pleasure, how it feels in your body, and whether you place any rules or restrictions around how you experience it.

2ish Questions to Ponder

1. What is my relationship to pleasure in sex and in life? Do I always allow myself to enjoy things? Is it conditional? Do I restrict myself?

2. How often do I worry about quantity of sex? How often do I worry about quality of sex? How might focusing on quality change things?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

📚 Come Together: The Science and Art of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski

👀 Poor Things - I can’t describe how much I loved this film 💖

🎧 Mind-Blowing Sex w Dr. Lori Brotto on Ten Percent Happier Podcast

Have a fun, magical and pleasure-filled week folx ✨

xx A.