How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Hey fam! 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

This week is all about the difficult conversation. Doing the old ‘circle back’ to Stone, Patton and Heen’s research, I’m gonna draw on their work for today. Cool? Cool.

So here’s the crux of it. It’s actually not a single conversation, but three conversations, all of which happen simultaneously. 

1. The “What happened?” Conversation

2. The Feelings Conversation

3. The Identity Conversation

First, the “What Happened?” Conversation centres around disagreement about what happened or should happen. It’s where we spend most of our time and it’s generally cyclical because of 3 main assumptions: I’m right, I know your intentions and I’m not to blame. Gentle reminder, the other person is thinking the exact same things.

Next up is the Feelings Conversation. This is the conversation about how you feel, how they feel and whether those feelings are valid. It may have used to be cool to brag about ‘turning off’ your feelings but the reality is, you can’t. It’s not about whether your feelings are gonna come out or not, but how to navigate ‘em when they do. Unexpressed feelings do three things: resent, attack and block. You can catch your unexpressed feelings via your judgments, characterizations and/or accusations towards the other party.

Third, is the Identity Conversation. This is the trickiest one to untangle because it looks inwards and requires honesty (and compassion) towards oneself. It’s the conversation about what you are saying to yourself about yourself. You’ll experience this conversation as an inner monologue around whether you believe yourself to be competent, to be good, and to be worthy of love.

1 Thing to Try This Week 

Have a difficult conversation. Here’s how:

1. Start with facts. Gather and share information about the situation as if you were an objective, third-party observer. Identify actions and behaviours rather than your interpretations or assumptions about the situation.

2. Explore perceptions. Acknowledge that each of your views is shaped by your own experiences and biases. Ask each other about them. Listen with the intent to understand, not the intent to reply.

3. Acknowledge feelings. Whether you like it or not, this is going to be emotional. That’s okay. If feelings weren’t involved, it wouldn’t be a difficult conversation. Recognise and validate each other’s feelings rather than defend or dismiss them.

4. Take responsibility. This isn’t about fault or blame. It’s about recognising that each of us is complicit in a situation in some way. Defuse defensiveness by acknowledging your role and how you’ve contributed.

5. Identify the actual concerns. Try to sift out what’s really driving this conversation aka the needs that are going unmet. These might be related to values, fears, desires, etc.

6. Brainstorm solutions. Once you’ve established a shared understanding, work together to generate possible solutions. Be open to flexing and creative problem-solving.

7. Follow up. After the conversation, follow up on any agreements, actions, etc. Do this to build trust and demonstrate commitment to working it through.

2 Questions to Ponder

• What have I done (or am doing) that contributes to this situation?

• What might the other person’s story of this situation be?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

None! Instead, here’s a sign up to the free masterclass we’re running (April 13th - time TBC). This awesome gem is back by popular demand after 2 booked out sessions last year. Topic is:

What you’ll discover…

1. The three most important things you need to know to get in the mood and improve intimacy.

2. How your attachment style shapes your behaviour and influences what you need to feel good in your relationship(s).

3. Why your brain is the sexiest organ you have (but also may be sabotaging your ability to get in the mood and/or orgasm).

We’re keeping spots limited so as to manage the group size. Sign up now to reserve yours before we book out! If you sign up, we’ll also send you a copy of the recording incase you can’t make it.

Alright crew, that’s it!

Drop me a line to let me know how your conversation goes and if ya need support 💗

xx A.

p.s. If you’re looking to improve your relationship, don’t forget to check out our new courses and 1:1 coaching programs here.

p.p.s. If you want a daily dose of science-based tips n’ tools, follow us on the ‘gram. Here’s a recent post 👉 4 Tips for Increasing Desire in Relationships.