What love is, and crucially, isn’t.

dive back in: Ferly

read time: 5 minutes

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This Week’s Read…

The Art of Loving…passive or active?

Every Monday and Friday I meditate ‘in community’, as they say in LA.

I walk to my local studio, Open, and join a group of others in meditation led by our wonderful teacher, Patrick.

I started this bi-weekly practice after my first silent meditation retreat in 2023. The experience had such a profound impact on me, revealing the depths of what is possible when you commit fully to the practice.

To provide some context, I’m half Italian, half Irish and a Taurus - that’s a fiery combo.

But meditation has mellowed me the f*ck out.

I’m still the incredibly passionate, excitable and social person that I was before meditating but through consistent practice I have learnt how to control my personality, rather than letting it control me. It has taught me how to create space between what someone says or does and my reaction to it.

Developing this skill has transformed how I show up in all my relationships from friendships to family and romantic lovers too.

This is why mindfulness and meditation are central to my coaching programs.

Today, Patrick reminded me of something really important and I wanted to share it with you.

One style of meditation is something called, Loving-Kindness. This practice involves cultivating feelings of love, compassion, and kindness towards oneself and others.

We practiced this style in class today. But before we started, Patrick delivered his usual playful ‘sermon’ and his lesson was this…learning to love is a skill. It is something we can improve upon, take responsibility for and be intentional about.

“Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving".” — Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving.

In the same way that meditation has taught me how to control my personality, it has also taught me that we are responsible for our own lives and we can choose to show up with intention in every area: from our careers, to our hobbies, and importantly, in our relationships too.

The prevailing narrative that we simply fall in love, and for those of us that haven’t yet fallen, should simply wait around until that beautiful moment arrives, is incredibly disempowering. It places us in a passive role, with little to no control.

It also suggests that when we have ‘fallen in love’, the job is done. As if we will always remain in love and if we do fall out of it, there is little we can do to fall back into it, especially with the same person.

All this falling is starting to feel like flailing to me.

If we reframed love as a skill, something you could learn and improve upon, how much more empowering would that feel. Now, we have control. We are the masters of our love lives.

If you’re anything like me, you love to learn. Whether it’s a new hobby or a skill to help me perform better at work, I’m constantly seeking out ways to gain more knowledge, improve myself and transform my life.

There is no reason why we shouldn’t apply this same approach to love.

Learning how to be in love; how to give and receive it, is a skill that can be learnt.

You are the master of your life. You can create your love story. Stop waiting.

🎯 1 Thing to Try:

Do a Loving-Kindness meditation with one of my favourite teachers and the founder of the studio I practice in each week. Listen here.

💡 2 Questions to Ponder:

1. Are you being active or passive in your relationship(s)?

2. What’s one thing you could learn more about when it comes to loving yourself and/or others?

📚 3 Content Recommendations

🎬 Watch: Love on The Spectrum - Watch here

🎧 Listen: Modern Love Podcast - Listen here

📖 Read: The Art of Loving Read here.

💬 Food For Thought

Successful people are intentional in the way they work. Successful couples are intentional in the way they love.

📢 Share with a friend who wants to change their love life.

Sent with pleasure,

Billie ✨

Personal Support

_{I’m Billie, a certified Holistic Health Coach, Sex Educator and author of a soon to be released sexual wellness manual with Penguin, TedX Speaker, and co-founder of Ferly (where we’ve helped 500,000 women nurture their most important relationships).}

_{I empower women to enjoy their sex lives, cultivate deeply nourishing relationships and find their power!}

_{How I can help you:}

✨ _{1:1 Coaching}

_{We’ll work together to cultivate a sex life you love and a relationship you’re excited by. I work in an evidence based way, drawing on the latest science. Our time together will be empowering, playful and transformative. Ready?}