Experiential Intimacy - Why Shared Moments Matter

Hey crew! 👋

We are back after a summer recharge! 👒🍉⚡️ Here’s your bi-weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

Intimacy & You: Different Forms of Closeness

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my relationships (as one does) and reflecting on the many different types of intimacy associated with each of them. At the highest level, intimacy is about developing a close and personal connection with someone. It’s central to creating a deep understanding of someone else and it’s also central to allowing someone else to have a deep understanding of you. Intimacy isn’t something you can force, but it’s definitely something you can create and in doing so, you are also creating a certain quality of relationship.

In my musings, I’ve been learning more about different types of intimacy (e.g. physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential, temporal, etc.) as well as the benefits of focusing on each of them (more intimately) 😉 

So for our next few reads, we’re gonna dive into ‘em. My hope is that this will give you an idea of all the wonderful ways you can build intimacy in your own life as well as to identify types of intimacy you might be lacking in or overlooking. This should also be helpful in thinking about your own relationships and how your intimate needs might vary across them.

Journeying Together: The Magic of Experiential Intimacy

I’m gonna start with experiential intimacy as it’s one that I think a lot us tend to forget. Experiential Intimacy is the type of closeness that comes from shared activities, experiences, or adventures. It’s also about the integration and deliberate maintenance of novelty in our relationships (vs. sticking with what we know and being on autopilot).

Examples of experiential intimacy might include going on a weekend away with a partner, playing D&D with friends, or carving a 🎃 with a family member. Experiences might be big but they can also be short and sweet, like cooking something new with someone, making a shared playlist or watching the sunset. Experiential intimacy is grounded in mutual understanding, a common narrative, and shared memories.

On that, if you haven’t seen the latest season of Sex Education, highly recommend. It is all about experiential intimacy. Leaving this gem below as a teaser…

1 Thing to Try This Week

The “New Together” Moment

Set aside a day, a morning/afternoon/evening, or an hour (nothing less) for a "New Together" activity. Decide who you want to build some intimacy with. It might be a partner but it also might be a friend or a family member that you’ve been meaning to reconnect with. Choose something neither of you have done before. It could be taking a dance class, going on a walk somewhere random, or learning a new card game. The aim? Create closeness. Experience the novelty, the challenges, and the joys of discovering something new side by side.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. Think of a memorable shared experience from your past. What made it special and how did it influence your relationship with the person/people involved?

2. What's an activity or experience you've always wanted to try but haven't yet? Why haven’t you? Who would be the ideal partner-in-crime to do it with? Why? (Bonus points if you do it - or a version of it - for your “Together Moment”)

3 Read/Watch/Listens

📚 The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath & Dan Heath (2017). Delve deep into the anatomy of moments that matter and how shared experiences shape us.

👀 The Happiness Advantage - An (oldie) TEDx Talk by Shawn Achor. Whilst not strictly on experiential intimacy, Achor touches upon the importance of shared positive experiences in boosting overall happiness.

🎧 Yes Means Yes by Elna Baker on The Moth Podcast. “A young woman recounts the difficulties of being a Mormon in NYC.” Note: The Moth has been running for AGES (since ‘97) and is dedicated to telling live, note-free, unfiltered stories. If you want to share an experience with a stranger and feel human connection, this one’s for you.

Alright ma lovelies, that’s it for this week, excited to be back and looking forward to connecting with y’all 💖

p.s. If you want a bigger dose of science-based tips, tools and techniques to help improve your sexual wellbeing, follow us on the ‘gram (and join the other 50K folx who already do!)