Last week I attended Esther Perel’s Sessions (essentially a weekend of talks on understanding desire!) and I want to bring that wisdom to you. First up: Sexual Fantasties.
97 to 98% of people have sexual fantasies. Across gender, across orientation, across every demographic they've studied. Almost everyone fantasises. Most people do it several times a week!
And yet almost nobody talks about it…
Especially women. Especially women in long-term relationships who are already thinking something is wrong with me because their desire has gone quiet. You're not exactly going to bring up the thing your brain does when you're alone in the shower or lying in bed at 11pm, are you? 😅
Firstly, let me say this: your fantasies don't mean something is wrong with you.
They don't mean you want to cheat. Having a fantasy about someone who isn't your partner is one of the most common things researchers find. It says nothing about your relationship or how attracted you are to the person next to you.
They don't mean you're "deviant." Dark fantasies, weird fantasies, fantasies that surprise even you... totally normal. The research is really clear on this. Having a fantasy doesn't mean you want to act on it. Sometimes a fantasy is just a fantasy.
And they don't mean you're dissatisfied. Even if it feels that way when sex in your actual relationship has gone a bit... flat.
Ok here's where it gets really interesting though. 👇
You may have always thought of fantasies as this slightly guilty thing that lives in the background. Something you don't look at too closely. But you need to start thinking about them very differently.
One of the speakers at a talk I attended shared a scenario. Two people have the exact same fantasy. A spontaneous encounter with a stranger in a city they're visiting. Same fantasy. But when you ask each person what actually turns you on about it, you get completely different answers. For one person, it's about being desired so intensely that nothing else matters. For another, it's the freedom. No expectations, no history, no performance. Same scenario. Totally different meaning.
And that's the bit most of us miss. We focus on what the fantasy is and feel weird about it. But the more interesting question is actually: how do I feel in my fantasy?
That feeling? That's the real information. 🔑
Esther Perel put it better than I ever could:
"Fantasy expresses the problem and provides the solution. It's a fervid space where our inhibiting fear is transformed into brazenness. What a relief to find that our shame is now curiosity, our timidity is now a thirst, and our helplessness is now sovereignty."
Read that again!
Your fantasy isn't showing you what's wrong with you. It's showing you what you need. What's missing. What your brain is reaching for when the rest of your life isn't giving it to you.
This is something that comes up a lot with the women I work with. They come to me saying "I don't feel desire anymore." But when we start to explore what's actually happening in their inner world, there's almost always something there. It's just been buried under guilt. Or dismissed. Or never given permission to exist.
I go into this in detail in my 1:1 work, but I realise that's not for everyone. So, I created a really easy course that helps women take the next step towards enjoying and wanting sex again. And it's only £47! Interested?
Your erotic imagination hasn't disappeared. It might just be waiting for you to stop judging it and start listening to it. 💡
Warmly, Lexy 🧡
The Ferly Method
I'm Lexy, resident sexologist at Ferly, where we help women in long-term relationships rebuild desire and intimacy using evidence-based methods developed with the world's leading researchers in female sexuality.
The Ferly Method is built on years of clinical research, real-world coaching, and insights from over a million women. It's not about endless talking or vague advice. It's about understanding why desire fades (spoiler: it's not because something is wrong with you) and learning how to create the conditions for it to come back. I bring this framework to life through personalised one-to-one support, helping women go from "I want to want sex again" to actually feeling connected, intimate, and excited about their relationship.
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