Hi my loves 🧡

Here’s your next dose of Turned On - your 5-minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

It's the second week of February and the pressure is building. You're scrolling through restaurant menus, wondering if you should book somewhere nice, half-considering whether matching underwear is overkill, and somewhere underneath all of that there's a quieter voice going: do I even want this right now? If that voice sounds familiar, this one's for you.

Because I think Valentine's Day has become one of the most pressurised days in the calendar for women. And not in a fun, butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of way. In a "you should want this, you should feel excited, you should be grateful, you should perform" kind of way. Especially when it comes to being intimate. And I want to call that out.

The "should" trap

Let's start here. If the word "should" is showing up anywhere near your Valentine's plans, I want you to pay attention to that. I should want to have sex. I should make an effort. I should be more excited about this. "Should" is not desire. "Should" is obligation wearing desire's clothes. And the two feel completely different in your body. If you're feeling more obligation than excitement right now, that's not a flaw. That's information.

When desire is low, it's rarely about libido

This is something I talk about a lot and I'll keep saying it until it lands: if desire has been low lately, it's probably not a libido problem. It's usually about emotional distance. Resentment. Stress. Feeling unseen. Carrying too much alone. Your body doesn't want to open up to someone when it's running on empty or when it feels like the emotional weight of the relationship is sitting on your shoulders. That's not broken. That's your body being incredibly intelligent.

Desire grows where connection feels safe

Read that again. Desire grows where connection feels safe. Not where performance is expected. Not where you're going through the motions because it's February 14th and that's what couples do. If you want to feel genuinely turned on by your relationship, the answer isn't a fancier dinner or better lingerie. It's feeling like your partner actually sees you. Like they're curious about your inner world. Like the two of you are on the same team.

The question that changes everything

So instead of asking "what are we doing for Valentine's?", try asking: "how are we actually doing?" That's it. That one question, asked with real curiosity and zero defensiveness, can crack something open that no amount of roses ever could. It's not a sexy question. But it's an intimate one. And intimacy is where desire lives.

Three things to try instead of the usual script to bring more connection

If you want Valentine's to actually mean something this year, here's what I'd suggest:

Say something brave. Not a grand gesture. Just something honest. "I miss you." "I want us back." "I still choose you." Words that cost nothing but take real courage to say out loud.

Tell your story. Sit down together and take turns talking about your relationship story. The good, the messy, the real. How you met. What nearly broke you. What kept you. Most couples stop narrating their story after the early days. Picking it back up is one of the most connecting things you can do.

Remove the distractions. No phones. No logistics. No "what's for dinner tomorrow" or "did you pay that bill." Just presence. It sounds simple, but when was the last time you actually did it? Undistracted attention is one of the most generous things you can give someone. And it's free.

A note if you're single

This one isn't just for couples. Valentine's Day can feel like a spotlight on what you don't have, and I want to push back on that. Love isn't just romantic. The friendships that hold you up, the person who always checks in, the group chat that makes you laugh until you cry. That's love too. And it deserves celebrating just as much. So if you're single this Valentine's, take one of those three ideas above and aim it at a friend. Say something brave. Tell your story. Be present with someone who matters to you.

Your Weekly Framework to Turn Yourself On

💡 One thing to try: Tonight, put your phone in another room for one hour while you're with someone you love. Partner, friend, family member. Just one hour of undistracted presence. Notice what happens.

❓ Two questions to ponder: If your partner asked "how are we actually doing?" right now, what would your honest answer be? When was the last time you felt genuinely desired, not just wanted?

🎧 One piece of content to consume: Esther Perel's Where Should We Begin? podcast. Pick any episode. Each one is a real, unscripted couples therapy session. It's like eavesdropping on the conversations most people never have.

Love, Lexy 🧡

Links for our book:

p.s. If you want an even bigger dose of science-based tips, tools and techniques to help improve your sexual wellbeing, follow us on the ‘gram (and join the other 50K folx who already do!)