From Passive to Powerful

Turn Yourself On: Get the book that will transform your sex life.

Read Time: 5 minutes

👋 Hi my loves,

Welcome to Pillow Talk, your weekly dose of inspiration, guidance, and actionable tools to help you reclaim your desire, rebuild sexual confidence, and deepen intimacy—starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

You deserve a vibrant, pleasurable, and deeply fulfilling sex life. Let’s help you claim it.

First, A Brief Note

Wow. I'm honestly blown away.

The response to our book announcement last week was surreal. My LinkedIn post unexpectedly went viral (the last platform I imagined it would resonate!), and I'm sharing the stats below. If you missed it, you can read it here.

To every woman who emailed—sharing your stories, struggles, and triumphs—thank you 🙏. You remind me why this work matters. Sometimes, writing these newsletters feels like speaking into a void, unsure if they resonate, inspire, or empower. Your messages mean more than you know.

After my sexual assault in 2015, I truly thought I’d never feel sexy or powerful again. Starting Ferly, writing these newsletters, and embarking on my own journey of sexual self-discovery completely transformed my life.

I learned what real, fulfilling sex, intimacy, and pleasure actually look like (far beyond the basic education we’re given). I discovered tools that made me a more secure, compassionate partner. I found a confidence that changed not just my sex life, but my entire sense of self-worth, my career, and my relationships.

Our book brings together seven transformative years of learnings. It's the guide I desperately wish existed back then. I can’t rewrite my past—but I can ensure no woman ever has to wish for these answers again. I passionately believe this book should be mandatory reading for every woman who wants to enjoy her sex life.

If you haven’t had a chance yet, pre-order your copy now. ❣️

This Week’s Read…

Why Women Struggle With Sexual Agency—And How to Reclaim Yours

Have you ever felt like you're just passively experiencing sex rather than actively shaping it? You're not alone.

Recently, over brunch with a close friend, she sighed deeply into her coffee and confessed:

Her words resonated deeply. I've felt that way before, and countless women I've coached echo similar sentiments. The feeling of passivity in intimacy is incredibly common but it doesn't have to be.

Let's talk about agency: the empowering ability to actively choose, express desires, set boundaries, and advocate clearly for what you need and want, especially in sex.

Why Is Sexual Agency So Hard for Women?

Many of us were raised with subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) messages about how to behave, especially as women.

We're taught to be polite, accommodating, and to avoid "rocking the boat." These cultural scripts run deep, leaving many women hesitant to openly assert their needs and desires.

Expressing your desires or setting clear boundaries can feel risky, especially if you're concerned about upsetting your partner or causing conflict. Fear of rejection or creating tension often leads women to quietly accept unsatisfying experiences rather than speaking up.

There's also the common narrative that a partner’s pleasure—particularly a man's—is paramount.

Many women internalise this idea, prioritising their partner’s needs above their own comfort or enjoyment. Over time, this reinforces a passive role rather than an empowered, active one.

Another major factor is the lack of role models and comprehensive education around sexual communication and pleasure.

Most sex education focuses on preventing pregnancy or STIs, with little to no guidance about communicating desires, setting healthy boundaries, or advocating for pleasure.

And finally, past negative experiences can have lasting impacts. If you've ever tried expressing your desires and been met with dismissal, shame, or embarrassment, it makes perfect sense that you might hesitate to speak up again.

These experiences create deep-seated anxieties and doubts, silencing your voice.

I vividly remember gathering my courage to share a fantasy with a partner, only to be met with a dismissive laugh and embarrassment. It took months for me to try again.

But here’s the powerful truth I learned: reclaiming your agency transforms everything.

What Does Sexual Agency Look Like?

When you have agency, you become an active participant, shaping your sexual experiences in an empowered way:

• Expressing Your Desires:
  Confidently sharing what you want, without shame or embarrassment.

• Setting Clear Boundaries:
  Saying “no” without guilt and ensuring your limits are respected.

• Advocating for Pleasure:
  Actively prioritizing your enjoyment as equal to your partner’s.

• Taking Ownership of Your Sexuality:
  Understanding your body, desires, and needs, without relying solely on a partner.

For me, reclaiming agency started gently: journaling about my desires, exploring self-pleasure, and eventually speaking openly with my partners. There were awkward moments, sure, but each step brought deeper trust, intimacy, and joy into my relationships.

Common Challenges - Maybe You Feel These Too?

If you're struggling with these themes, you're certainly not alone. Here are the most common issues I hear from my clients:

• Difficulty expressing desires clearly.

• Overcoming sexual shame and guilt.

• Navigating mismatched libidos.

• Fear of rejection or conflict.

• Feeling disconnected from your sexual self.

• Anxiety about asserting boundaries and consent.

How Coaching Can Help You Reclaim Your Agency

Through personalized support, sex coaching gently guides you to:

• Identify and rewrite limiting beliefs about sexuality, pleasure, and intimacy.

• Build compassionate and clear communication skills to confidently express desires and boundaries.

• Reconnect with your body and desires without guilt or shame.

• Develop techniques for safely exploring new fantasies and boundaries.

• Cultivate deeper intimacy and connection in your relationships.

My goal as your coach is simple but profound: to support you in stepping fully into your sexual agency, transforming your sex life from something passive into something deeply joyful, authentic, and empowering.

You deserve a sex life you actively shape and genuinely love.

✨ 1 Thing to Try:

Today's Mini-Practice: Set a Small Boundary (without apologizing!)

Practicing small boundaries regularly makes setting bigger ones easier later. Today, your task is simple but powerful:

Step 1: Think of one small boundary you’d like to set today.
(e.g., saying no to an invitation, asking your partner for personal space, stating your preference clearly.)

Step 2: Clearly state your need or preference, without apology or guilt.

Here’s an example you can try:

“I’d love to spend time together later, but right now I really need 30 minutes alone to recharge.”

Or perhaps:

“Thanks for the invitation! Tonight I'm going to take some quiet time at home, but let's plan something soon.”

Step 3: Notice how you feel afterward. Did it feel empowering, awkward, or both? Both are completely normal—celebrate yourself for stepping into this practice!

Give it a go and remember, the more comfortable you become setting small boundaries, the easier it becomes to confidently set larger ones.

💡 2 Questions to Ponder:

• When was the last time I said "yes" but really wanted to say "no"?

• How can I assert my needs without feeling guilty?

📚 3 Content Recommendations

🎬 Watch: Brené Brown's TED Talk on vulnerability.

🎧 Listen: "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast episode on boundaries.

📖 Read: "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

💬 Food For Thought

"When you clearly voice your boundaries, you’re not pushing someone away—you’re inviting them into an honest, deeper connection."

📢 Forward this to someone who needs this reminder:
Speaking up isn’t selfish—it’s the heart of intimacy.

Sent with pleasure,

Billie ✨

Personal Support

_{I’m Billie, a certified Holistic Health Coach, Sex Educator and author of the sexual wellness manual, ‘Turn Yourself On’, publishing in May with Penguin. I’ve also delivered a TedX on the future of pleasure and co-founded the #1 sexual wellness app, Ferly (where we’ve helped 500,000 women nurture their most important relationships).}

_{I empower women to enjoy their sex lives, cultivate deeply nourishing relationships and find their power!}

_{How I can help you:}

✨ _{1:1 Coaching}

_{We’ll work together to cultivate a sex life you love and a relationship you’re excited by. I work in an evidence based way, drawing on the latest science. Our time together will be empowering, playful and transformative. Ready?}