Hi my loves 🧡

Here’s your next dose of Turned On - your 5-minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

We spend years learning languages at school. We download apps, hire tutors, and practice our pronunciation in the shower. But the one language that determines the quality of every single relationship we'll ever have? Nobody teaches us that one. Turns out, love is a language. And most of us are walking around semi-fluent at best.

I came across a framework from Esther Perel recently that stopped me in my tracks. She says that just like you need to conjugate certain core verbs to speak a language, you need to practice seven basic relational verbs to sustain a satisfying relationship. And in the bedroom? These verbs become everything.

Seven verbs. That's it. But I promise you, at least one of them is going to make you squirm a little.

This Week's Read...

The seven verbs are: to ask, to give, to receive, to take, to imagine, to share, and to refuse. Simple, right? Deceptively so. Because when you actually sit with each one and ask yourself how fluent you are, things start to get interesting.

To ask

This is the one that trips most people up. What do you need? Do you ask for it? Or do you hint, hope, and then feel hurt when they don't magically figure it out? Asking requires you to know what you want (already a big ask for a lot of us) and then actually say it out loud. In bed, this might sound like telling your partner exactly where to touch you instead of gently redirecting their hand and praying they get the message. Asking isn't demanding. It's one of the most generous things you can do for your relationship.

To give

Most of us think we're good at this one. But here's the real question: are you giving with joy, or are you giving to keep score? Are you giving because you genuinely want to bring someone pleasure, or because you're hoping they'll return the favour? Giving without strings attached is an art. And when it's real, it feels completely different for everyone involved.

To receive

Now here's where it gets spicy. Because this might be the hardest verb on the list. Can you actually let someone give to you? Not brush off the compliment, not deflect the gesture, not feel like you immediately owe them something in return? Receiving requires you to believe, deep down, that you're worthy of pleasure and care without having earned it first. In the bedroom, this is the difference between letting yourself be pleasured and spending the whole time in your head worrying about whether you're taking too long.

To take

This one sounds confrontational but it's not. Taking means allowing yourself to pursue what feels good without waiting for permission. It's feeling entitled (in the healthiest way) to pleasure, attention, and affection. It's reaching for what you want instead of hoping it lands in your lap. For anyone who's ever thought "I don't want to be a burden" while their body was screaming for something more, this is your verb.

To imagine

How comfortable are you thinking outside the box with your partner? Can you fantasise out loud? Can you dream up something new without editing yourself before the words come out? Imagination is where desire lives. And sharing what you imagine with another person requires a kind of bravery that doesn't get enough credit. This isn't just about sexual fantasy. It's about being willing to picture something different for your relationship and then say it out loud.

To share

Sharing looks different from giving. Giving is handing something over. Sharing is letting someone in. It's vulnerability. It's the unsexy stuff like fears and insecurities and the sexy stuff like what's actually going on in your head when you're turned on. The couples and friendships that feel the most alive are usually the ones where sharing goes both ways, and nobody's keeping a wall up.

To refuse

This is the verb I want you to sit with the longest. Perel says: "If you've never had the freedom to say no, then you've never had the permission to say yes." Read that again. Your yes only means something if your no is genuinely available to you. Are you comfortable refusing what doesn't feel good? Can you say no to a friend, a partner, a situation, without guilt eating you alive afterwards? Because here's the thing: the moment you trust your own no is when your yes finally becomes real. And that changes everything.

So, which verb is yours?

Here's my challenge to you. Read back through those seven verbs and notice which one made you uncomfortable. Which one did you skim past a little quickly? Which one made you think of a specific moment? That's probably the one that needs your attention. Perel suggests picking one verb a month and giving it some care, like building a muscle you've been neglecting. I love that. Not a dramatic overhaul. Just a small, intentional shift toward becoming more fluent in the language of you.

Your Weekly Framework to Turn Yourself On

💡 One thing to try: Pick the verb that felt hardest and practice it once this week. If it's "to ask," ask for one thing you need. If it's "to receive," let someone do something nice for you without deflecting. Just once. See how it feels.

❓ Two questions to ponder: Which of these seven verbs did you learn was "safe" as a child, and which did you learn to avoid? If your partner or closest friend read this list, which verb would they say you need to work on?

🎧 One piece of content to consume: Esther Perel's TED talk The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship. It's 19 minutes and it will rearrange your brain in the best way.

Love, Lexy 🧡

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