The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm

Hey lovelies! 👋

Today we’re delving into the world of sexual pleasure and orgasm. Reminder that tonight we have our masterclass. For those still interested in attending, please register here before 5pm BST.

For those of you who’ve already signed up, we’ll be sending out the zoom link later today and you’ll also receive a recording. You have two session options:

• Option 1 - 8:30pm BST/12:30pm PST

• Option 2 - 7pm PST

See ya there ❤️ 

The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm

As a society, we’re obsessed with orgasms. From books to films, meditation classes to supplements, we’re all about hitting the ‘Big O’. However, like many of the things we place high expectations on, this focus isn’t necessarily realistic or helpful.

Let’s take a step back in time. Sigmund Freud, well known as the influential Austrian psychoanalyst, lesser known public enemy #1 of the clitoris.

Freud's theory of psychosexual development proposed that women experience two types of orgasms: clitoral and vaginal. According to Freud, clitoral orgasms were considered ‘immature’ and less fulfilling, whilst vaginal orgasms were seen as ‘more mature’, ‘superior’ and indicative of ‘adult femininity’. Freud suggested that women who experienced primarily clitoral orgasms were ‘psychologically underdeveloped’ and had not fully transitioned into a ‘mature’ sexual state.

Enter the ‘myth of the vaginal orgasm’ and its 100+ year rule. Off the back of Freud’s work, the concept of the vaginal orgasm became entrenched in pop culture and continues to influence societal perceptions of women's sexuality. It’s this legacy that has led to the collective belief that women should strive for vaginal orgasms as the epitome of sexual fulfillment and that a failure to climax - particularly from penetration - is a type of personal deficiency.

The Clitoris & Orgasm

Indeed, it was not until 1998 that Dr. Helen O’Connell discovered the full clitoral structure and debunked the idea of the clitoris as a small, pea-sized external organ. That’s right, we discovered the moon before we discovered the clitoris.

Given that ~70-80% of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm, I’d say it plays a pretty core role in pleasure (#ThanksFreud). Also, keep in mind that the clitoris and the penis are homologous organs. Meaning, they share the same origin and many of the same parts, they’re just organized in different ways. Expecting a woman to climax from vaginal penetration is anatomically equivalent to expecting a man to orgasm from prostate stimulation alone. Certainly many men can, but we don’t judge them if they don’t.

Rethinking Definitions of Sex & Pleasure

Indeed, the focus on the vaginal orgasm goes hand-in-hand with traditional definitions of sex. In other words, ‘penis-in-vagina’ intercourse that typically ends with male climax. Beyond the heteronormative challenges of this definition, it also continues to emphasize both sex and pleasure through a male lens.

We see this demonstrated in things like the orgasm gap whereby heterosexual men orgasm ~95% of the time vs. heterosexual women ~65% of the time. And no, it’s not that women’s bodies are ‘more complicated’, as during self-pleasure, women reported orgasming ~92-95% of the time. Results are in folks, the orgasm gap is socio-cultural, not biological.

Ironically, the more we seek orgasms, the harder it becomes to actually have them. It also makes sex (solo or partnered) about efficiency and hitting a goal. Focusing on orgasming is like going to a 5 star restaurant and only eating dessert. It just doesn’t make sense.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Set aside 5-10 minutes (or more) dedicated to self-touch with the goal of NOT orgasming. Try out the following techniques (and use lube - even if you don’t ‘need’ it):

• Circling: Gently circle your finger or a sex toy around the clitoris and/or clitoral hood in a rhythmic and consistent manner. Experiment with different speeds and pressures.

• Tapping or Fluttering: Lightly tap or flutter your finger or a sex toy on the clitoral hood or the surrounding areas.

• Up and Down Strokes: Using your finger or a sex toy, stroke up and down the entire length of the vulva, from the clitoral area, across the labia and down to the vaginal opening. Play with pressure and pace.

• Side-to-Side Strokes: Instead of up and down, try using side-to-side or back-and-forth strokes over the clitoral area.

• Double Stimulation: Use one hand/toy to stimulate the clitoris and the other to stimulate the vagina.

• Exploration of the Vaginal Walls: Try massaging or applying pressure to the different areas of the vaginal walls. Insert 1-2 fingers 1-2 inches inside the front wall of the vagina and making a ‘come here’ motion. Start slow and firm.

2 Questions to Ponder

• What’s my own personal definition of good sex?

• What 1 thing am I going to do this week that gives me a feeling of aliveness?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

👀 How Can We Create a Sex Positive Future for Women a TEDx by Ferly’s CEO Billie Quinlan

📚 Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters - And How to Get It by Dr. Laurie Mintz

📚 The Best Sex Toys for Beginners in 2023

That’s all she wrote! See some of you later for the masterclass and I’ll catch the rest of y’all next week.

Besitos,

xx Anna

p.s. Communication masterclass registration here - cutoff for registration is 5pm BST/9am PST today. Session links will be sent out later in the day for 2 evening sessions today (#1 → 8:30pm BST/12:30 PST, #2 → 7pm PST)⚡️

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