How to Receive Feedback Well

Hey kiddos! 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life. Quick S/O to May’s Free Masterclass (May 30th) on how to be a better communicator and feel confident expressing your needs. As always, we’re keeping numbers small so spots are limited.

In prepping for the masterclass^, I revisited some community shares:

• “Talking about my feelings always triggers me and I end up crying. I want to build confidence in communicating what I want so we can find a way back to each other.”

• “I want to express myself and talk about sex more confidently without getting anxious or making my partners feel inadequate.”

• “I want to know why I get impatient/defensive whenever my partner gives me feedback or tries to talk to me about sex.”

These shares got me thinking about how we often hear about how to give feedback but rarely about how to receive it. So why does getting feedback give us the ick?

The Three Most Common Triggers

Stone and Heen (2015) identify three types of triggers that cause us to react not-so-well to feedback (even when it might be beneficial for us):

1. Truth Triggers - These happen when we perceive feedback as wrong. Due to our blind spots, we question the accuracy, fairness and/or validity of feedback and immediately dismiss it, get defensive or even attack the person giving it.

2. Relationship Triggers - These are about the person giving the feedback and how we feel treated by them. We question their credibility, trustworthiness and our previous experiences with them. For example, if we have a complicated relationship with them, we’re more likely to dismiss feedback. Likewise, if we don’t feel accepted or respected by them, we’re more likely to be triggered.

3. Identity Triggers - These relate to our personal identity and sense of self. This feedback causes us to question our competence, character or worth. Our reaction is amplified by our distorted internal thoughts and emotions.

How to Navigate The Three Triggers

Truth Triggers

1. Separate Impact from Intent: Understand that the person giving feedback likely does not intend to upset you. Their goal could be to help you improve, even if the feedback stings. 🐝

2. Assess the Feedback: Try to objectively evaluate the feedback. Is there any truth to it? Ask yourself, how might I be getting in my own way? Does it align with other feedback you've received? If so, consider it.

3. Seek Clarification: If the feedback is unclear or you disagree with it, ask for specifics. What are the behaviours that led to this feedback? Try to understand the feedback better and identify areas of disagreement.

Relationship Triggers

1. Separate the "Who" from the "What": Try to separate the person giving the feedback from the feedback itself. Even if you have issues with the person, the feedback might still be valuable.

2. Communicate Your Feelings: If the relationship with the feedback-giver is affecting your ability to accept the feedback, do a bit of relationship repair first and let them know.

3. Seek Feedback from Others: If you question the credibility of the feedback giver, get additional feedback from others for a more rounded perspective.

Identity Triggers

1. Recognize the Trigger: The first step in dealing with identity triggers is to recognize when they’re happening. Are you reacting strongly because the feedback is striking at your sense of self?

2. Self-Affirmation: Remind yourself of your value and worth. Remember that feedback is about specific behaviours, not your value as a person.

3. Growth Mindset: Reframe feedback as information to help you grow, rather than a criticism of who you are.

4. Get Support: If the feedback is particularly hard to handle, get support. Digest it with friends, family, mentors, partners, etc.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Ask someone you trust for feedback on how you might be contributing to something you’ve been struggling with. Pay attention to any triggers that come up and try to identify what triggered them.

2 Questions to Ponder

• What bad habits do I have in delivering feedback and how might I deliver it better?

• What bad habits do I have when receiving feedback and how might I receive it better?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

1. 📚 Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Stone and Heen (I highly recommend this one as a general read).

2. 📚 Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

3. 👀 The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown

And that’s all she wrote! Don’t forget to snag your spot for May’s free Confidence & Communication Masterclass.

Have a lovely rest of week 💕

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