Hi crew and new readers!

Here’s your biweekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life. Today we’re diving into a topic that a lot of us have an inherent discomfort with: power.

Power: Do You Have It?

Power is influence. To have power means you have the ability to influence another person’s thoughts, behaviours and decisions. It can be categorised into “power over”, “power to” and “power with”.

“Power over” is the type of power you are probably most familiar with. It’s about dominance, authority and control – often at the expense of your partner(s). Think you vs. me. It ain’t good for any relationship as has a strong tendency of leading to toxic and even abusive behaviours over time.

In contrast, “power to” is personal or “I” power. It’s your ability to understand and self-regulate your own emotions, make decisions, and maintain your independence. Unlike “power over”, which is about dominating someone else, “power to” is about holding power over yourself.

“Power with” is a collaborative type of power where you and your partner(s) share responsibility for the health of your togetherness through mutual empathy, respect and generosity. Think of this as “we” power. It goes hand-in-hand with your “power to”, which together, act kind of like the kryptonite to “power over”.

Power & Your Romantic Relationships

In your romantic relationships, there are several ways power shows up. Some of the biggies are in your ability to control joint decision-making, influence how your partner behaves, have an opinion that’s respected, and prioritise your own needs (even when they compete with the needs of your partner(s)).

Same aspects apply to sex. Power shows up in your ability to decide when you do/don’t have sex, as well as to choose what type of sex you have. It also shows up in your ability to talk about sex and to have your sexual needs respected. Prioritising your needs might look like continuing to receive pleasure after your partner has climaxed rather than sex being written off as “done” or contracting your sexual contexts, e.g. no sex after 10pm if you’ve got an early morning.

Conflict in relationships is normal. However, there are better and worse ways to have it. This is especially true if you or your partner(s) default to “power over” behaviours. This is likely to happen if you and/or your partner don’t know how to regulate your own emotional responses (“power to”) nor how to respectfully interact with one another when feeling threatened (“power with”). Contempt – relationship enemy #1 – is fuelled by “power over” behaviours. These are: criticising, blaming, dismissing, sulking, defending, justifying, intimidating, humiliating, threatening, and withdrawing from communication.

Power inequalities are bad. They increase relationship breakdown alongside anxiety, depression, sexlessness, and loss of sense of self. On the flip side, more balanced power dynamics contribute to the long-term success of your relationships and your health and wellbeing. They also increase levels of trust, intimacy, desire, and sexual satisfaction. To create more balanced relationships, you and your partner(s) need to ditch any of your “power over” behaviours and instead, learn to cultivate your individual “power to” and collective “power with”. Here’s a tip to get you started on how.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Practice “healthy complaining” instead of criticism. Criticism is when you attack someone’s character. Healthy complaining is when you focus on improving a specific issue or behaviour that’s happened rather than assigning blame.

Here’s an example:

• Criticism: “You’re always late. It’s like you don’t care about anyone else’s time.”

• Healthy Complaint: “I was frustrated that you were late yesterday. I’d organised my day to be ready and I felt like that wasn’t considered. Please give me a head’s up if you’re running late in future.”

Pay attention to absolute language like “always” or “never”, whether you default to “you” or “they” instead of “I” in your sentences, and how often you include a solution or a resolution request. Bonus: try this with all of your relationships this week.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. If I look across my significant relationships, do I tend to hold more power more or give power away?

2. How am I difficult during conflict? When, if ever, do I default to “power over” tactics and what do they look like?

As always, if there’s anyone you know that you think would benefit from the newsletter, feel free to pass it along. Have a lovely rest of week!

p.s. If you want a daily dose of science-based tips, follow us on the ‘gram (and join the other 50K folx who already do!)