How to Do Relationship Repair

Happy Tuesday ya cool cats!

Welcome to this week’s dose of Pillow Talk - your 5(ish) minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

We’re going to move onto Pillar No. 2 next week (intimacy - excitinggggg) but before we do that, I wanted to leave you with this lil’ gem of a tool - the clearing conversation, which falls under the ☂️ of relationship repair.

Relationship Repair & The Clearing Conversation

Relationship repair is the ongoing process of regularly identifying and addressing problems in a relationship so as to prevent an escalation in negativity and resentment.

Re. The Clearing Conversation. I’ve heard a lot of practitioners talk about this tool as of late including our girl Esther Perel, so I thought it’d be a goodie to share with y’all. Now, full disclosure here, it’s super scripted and will feel awkward AF the first few times you try it. Stick with me on this one. The script is intentional so as to give you and your bae a template to follow and not get derailed.

1 Thing to Try This Week

A Clearing Conversation. Here are the scripts:

Script for Person A - aka ‘The Clearer’

1. “I have something I’d like to clear with you. Is now a good time?” (Otherwise, “If not now, then when?”)

2. “The specific FACTS are…” (List out recordable and objective facts - not your judgements or interpretations of the facts)

3. “A STORY I’ve made up about [you/me/our relationship/a situation] is…”

4. “My FEELING(S) are…” (sad, scared, angry, frustrated, jealous, etc.)

5. “I specifically WANT…” (this is not a demand or entitlement but instead a way to be known)

6. “How I CREATED this disconnection with you is…” (this is not about blame but recognizing your responsibility in contributing to the issue)

Script for Person B - aka ‘The Listener’

1. “What I hear you saying is…” (Reflect or paraphrase without interpretation)

   1. “Is that RIGHT?” (If not, reflect again)

   2. “Is there MORE?” (Ask with curiosity)

2. “Are you CLEAR? Have you said everything you have to say and felt everything you have to feel?” (If yes, move on. If not, go back to “Is there more?”)

3. “Is there a NEXT ACTION step?” (If yes, who will do what and by when?)

4. “Thank you for sharing with me and inviting me to clear.”

Extra Notes:

• If Person B also needs to clear, take a few hours/a day between turns. This helps to de-escalate.

• As ‘The Listener’, don’t interrupt or defend. Keep open and positive body language.

• Same as always - don’t do this before/in bed. Choose a neutral space and make sure you both have the capacity.

2 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. What do I notice happening in my body when I talk about my feelings?

2. How can I better support my partner during conflict and be more empathetic to their feelings?

3 Recommendations

📚 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

🎧 The Love Drive Podcast: Resolving Relationship Conflict with Ashley Miller, MFT 

👀 How to Use the Clearing Model - The Conscious Leadership Group - this is the script I’ve referenced above, here’s a video on the CC in practice.

And a holla to those of you who haven’t signed up for our free April webinar this Thursday April 13th. Billie’s gonna take you through an excellent practical session on:

Billie’s also gonna run it twice for timezones. Session #1 is at 8:30pm (BST)/12:30pm (PST). Session #2 is at 7:30pm (PST). If you can’t make it, no sweat. Sign up and catch the recording.

We still have 7 spots left and they’re going fast 🏎️  

To those of you who’ve already registered, you’ll be getting an email from Ferly shortly with event details (and a freebie workbook). Keep your 👀s on your inbox.

Have a fantastic week everyone!

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