Responsive vs. Spontaneous - Which Desire Type Are You?

Hey friends 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life. This week we’re exploring desire. This might be new for some of you, whilst for others it might be a refresher, either way - let’s cement those learnings. 🧠

Arousal vs. Desire

Super important differentiation - arousal and desire are NOT the same thing. Even though we think of them as synonymous, one’s more about your body and the other is more about your mind. Arousal is the physiological response your body goes through in response to ‘sexually relevant’ information, e.g. heart rate, blood flow, body temperature, lubrication, etc. Desire on the other hand, are all the mental vibes or ‘being in the mood’. It’s your subjective response to sexual stimuli and is about the wanting or motivation for sex.

Your Sexual Gas & Sexual Brakes

Within your central nervous system, you have a bunch of pairs of subsystems, one of which is called The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response. Using Dr. Emily Nagoski’s Sexual Gas and Sexual brake analogy, your sexual gas pedal (i.e. sexual excitation system) scans your environment for sexually relevant information that tells your body to ‘turn on’. This might be a kiss, the smell of cologne/perfume, being on holiday etc.

Now, at the EXACT same time and INDEPENDENTLY from your sexual gas, your sexual brakes (i.e. sexual inhibitory system) do the opposite. They scan for all the information that tells your body to ‘turn off’ and that right now is NOT a good time to get in the mood, e.g. being on a call with your family, sexual risks, you’ve got a big deadline, etc. Like a fingerprint, your gas and brakes are individual and unique to you.

Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire

Despite what most of us have been taught, not all desire is spontaneous. In other words, we don’t all experience desire as this switch that you can just 🫰 flick on. Spontaneous desire is only one type of desire, and it’s more commonly experienced by men and folx with penises.

For women and folx with vulvas, many of us experience responsive desire. This is when sexual stimuli (e.g. a type of touch) switches from being sexually ‘relevant’ to sexually ‘appealing’. Think of it like driving. You’re constantly balancing the gas and brakes whilst also responding to the road and the environment around you.

This explains why for some of us, reading a post on ‘how to give mind blowing oral’ or watching porn might not help with increasing desire. This is especially true if you have more sensitive and heavy brakes. Whether you need more/less to speed up/slow down is neither right nor wrong, just different. Sex is pretty damn personal after all.

There’s a whole lot more on desire (including arousal non-concordance and why we get distracted during sex). And alas, I can’t jam it all in here. If you do want to learn more - this is the final week to watch the recording of Billie’s April Masterclass on Desire.

1 Thing to Try This Week

• Make a list of all the things that hit your gas and those that hit your brakes. If in a relationship, share your list with your partner, and encourage them to do the same.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. How do my gas and brake pedals influence what I need to enjoy intimacy in my relationships?

2. What are 1-3 things I can do to create my my own sensual environment?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

• 📚 Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

• 🎧 Dear Sugars Podcast: Sexless Relationships Part 1 w Esther Perel

• 👀 April’s Desire Masterclass by Ferly’s CEO Billie Q

Likewise, for any of y’all who missed the chance to apply for a free 1:1 call with Billie, a few folks didn’t fill out the application form so we have 4 spots that have just opened up. The purpose of these sessions is to chat through any sexual blockers you are currently navigating and to set goals to help you move through them. Apply for your call here.

And that’s your weekly dose! 💌

Ciao,

xx A.

p.s. If you’re looking to improve sex and your relationships, check out our courses here.

p.p.s. If you want a daily dose of science-based tools to improve your sexual wellbeing, follow us on the ‘gram (and join the other 50K folx who already do!)