Hey you,

Pillow Talk is your 5 minute read on how to enjoy your sex life whilst cultivating a confident, erotic and playful relationship. At the bottom you’ll find:

• 1 thing to try

• 2 questions to ponder

• 3 pieces of content we’re loving

Masterclass

You asked for workshops so here’s the first one!

Last week I sent out a survey and the results didn’t shock me one bit. 95% of women shared that communication and desire are the biggest issues in their relationship.

When it comes to desire, your brain is your biggest sex organ. If the communication in your relationship isn’t great, it’s no surprise your desire is low! Fortunately, it’s possible to improve communication and dramatically increase your desire.

Next week, I’m going to show you how.

On Tuesday 1st October I’m going to run a masterclass that will show you how to increase your desire, improve your communication and enjoy sex more!

If you join live, there will be an opportunity to ask questions. You can join and ask your questions anonymously. If you can’t join live, I’ll send the recording to anyone that signs up.

Details:

• Tuesday 1st October

• 8pm GMT / 12pm PST

• Live event with Q&A. Recording sent around after the event. Questions can be submitted ahead of time. Joining live isn’t necessary.

Burning Man Story Time

88% of you wanted the stories. Especially you, Fi Barrie 😉. For the 12% that said ‘move on, we don’t care about BM’, democracy won, please skip ahead.

The experience was incredible and there’s so much I want to tell you. Choosing which story to share is so hard but my criteria is that it has to be relevant and helpful to you. So I’m going to tell you about the eye opening intimacy workshop I ran.

Grab a cuppa, sit back and settle in for story time. This one is NSFW (not safe for work)!

‘Oh god, he’s got an erection and he’s masturbating.’ were the thoughts running through my mind during my workshop. ‘Do I stop him or let him be…?’

Let me explain. The camp I stayed in asked me to run an intimacy workshop and of course I said yes. I run similar workshops online all the time - it’s one of my favourite parts of this job. However, I’ve never run them in person so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

In our camp we had a tepee which offered us some privacy so I decided to host the workshop in there, away from the curious eyes of random passers by. Thank goodness I did…I’m not sure everyone was ready to see a man masturbating at midday!

I had no idea who or how many people would show up but at 1pm on Wednesday, 16 gorgeous souls strolled into camp and sat down in front of me with wide smiles.

I decided to split the workshop into three parts. To start, a beautiful practice to ground everyone into the experience, followed by some partnered intimacy and to close, a playful and creative drawing exercise.

The workshop began. I started by asking everyone to lie down whilst I guided them through a body mapping practice. As I spoke I encouraged them to explore their bodies with self-touch moving from their heads to their toes. In my mind, I expected people to run their fingers along their arms, over their face, maybe play with pressure, massage their legs, push their feet together, etc.

I wasn’t prepared for any of them to start exploring their genitals and I certainly wasn’t expecting them to start wanking!

But there they were, 16 people with their eyes closed, lying down in a little tepee, in the middle of the day with the sun streaming down onto their bodies and the lad to my left was calmly, casually and unashamedly playing with his cock.

My first thought was, ‘Oh god, he’s got an erection and he’s masturbating, should I stop this?’. I paused, took a breath and reframed my initial reaction.

Here is a man, in touch with his sexuality, comfortable in his body and following my instruction without shame, embarrassment or guilt. It wasn’t inappropriate. He clearly wasn’t touching himself to climax instead he was exploring all parts of his body as I had told him to.

Is Everyone Wanking?

Now I was curious about who else was touching themselves like this. I looked around the room and all the men were exploring their genitals as part of this body mapping practice whereas all the women, bar one, had avoided going near their vulva’s.

How fascinating! This reinforces what we know, women (generally) carry more shame around their genitals than men.

From a young age, male masturbation is normalised yet female masturbation is at best, not discussed and at worst, actively discouraged.

Self-pleasure and self-touch is so important as it helps us understand what we like and what feels good. It’s empowering and helps us take responsibility for our own pleasure.

When women aren’t encouraged to do this, when our masturbation practice isn’t celebrated, we get into situations like this: on a recent call, my client shared that she went to the doctor 6 months ago (aged 28), concerned about a lump she had felt in her vulva. When the doctor examined her, she found the lump and asked my client to confirm it was the same lump she was referring to. My client said yes, and the doctor said, ‘that’s not a lump, that is your clitoris!’.

Obviously, that situation is less common amongst women in their late twenties but my experience in the tepee isn’t.

So many women I speak to feel shame around their vulva’s. They don’t like how they look, how the smell, how the feel, how wet they do or don’t get, and so on.

Vulva Neutrality

For the last few weeks I’ve written about body neutrality. This concept applies to our genitals too. It’s so important to our pleasure, to our desire, to our health, that we accept our bodies as they are and instead shift the focus on what they can do for us.

Your vulva is magnificent. It contains your clitoris which is the only organ designed for pleasure. Yes, you (unlike men) have an organ that is solely designed to make you feel fucking fantastic.

So why do so many of us stop masturbating when we get into relationships? Why do we forgo this really beautiful practice that helps connect us to our bodies, shift our mental states, increase our desire, self-soothe and remind us that we are powerful, erotic women!

Instead of masturbating we make time for reality TV, online shopping, doom scrolling Instagram, an extra glass of wine after work and if we’re lucky, a fitness class.

BTW, there is no shame in the above. I have the same habits. BUT I also masturbate. I make time for self-pleasure and self-exploration. I prioritise my erotic self because if I don’t, if I let this habit slide, I’m accepting a less sensual, less orgasmic, less playful life and I don’t want that for myself. And I don’t want that for any of you.

So many women I speak to tell me sex is a chore, something they do for their partners out of a sense of duty to the relationship.

FUCK THAT!

If that’s your reality, consider this a very loving, very gentle, slap in the face. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to TURN YOURSELF ON. It’s time to masturbate girl.

Cultivate an Erotic Life

It’s no one else’s responsibility to make your life erotic and if you’re giving up on an erotic life, you’re giving up on life! Eroticism is more than just sex. It’s about leading a playful, sensual, vibrant and energetic life. Self-pleasure is one (powerful) habit that helps us connect to that part of ourselves.

One more thing, if you wait until your horny to masturbate, you’ll always be waiting. Instead, get in the driving seat and use self-pleasure as a way to start your engine.

Ok, i wasn’t expecting that story to end in that way. I haven’t even told you about Mountain Man or the middle aged couple that had the most beautiful and profound moment together. But I am so passionate about this stuff.

Sex is such a beautiful part of life, we shouldn’t give up on it. Yet we, as women, are giving up on it. It’s a self-fulfilling fallacy too. The less we have sex, the less we want sex.

If you’re struggling to find that erotic side of you, if your desire feels like it’s through the floor, if you don’t feel vibrant, sensual or playful right now, that’s ok, we move through different seasons.

The good news, it doesn’t have to be like this. I really want to help you connect with your erotic self and when you’re ready, I’m here for you. Let’s start with the masterclass.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Masturbate baby! But this time, don’t pull your toys out and race to the finish line. Instead, set aside 20-30 minutes, listen, watch or read something erotic and slowly explore your body.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. How do I feel about my vulva?

2. What stops me from masturbating weekly?

Let me know your answers to these questions by replying to this email. I love hearing from you and I’m so grateful when people write to me.

3 Read/Watch/Listens

▶️ OMGyes - An amazing, research based masturbation tool

🎧 Improve communication and increase your desire - Register for next week’s masterclass

👀 Vulva library - Look at how diverse and beautiful women’s vulva’s are

Power to the pleasure revolution girls! Who’s with me?

xx Billie xx

_{I’m Billie, a certified Holistic Health Coach, Sex Educator and author of a soon to be released sexual wellness manual with Penguin, TedX Speaker, and co-founder of Ferly (where we’ve helped 500,000 folk improve their intimate lives).}

_{I empower women to enjoy their sex lives and cultivate deeply intimate and nourishing relationships.}

_{How I can help you:}

✨ _{1:1 Coaching}

_{We’ll work together to cultivate a sex life you love and a relationship you’re excited by. I work in an evidence based way, drawing on the latest science. Our time together will be empowering, playful and transformative. Ready?}