Stress vs. Trauma - How are they different?

Hey y’all 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk. When it comes to great sex and relationships, there’s a topic that often gets misunderstood: trauma.

Now, I’ve had some pretty heated conversations with people about “how trauma doesn’t exist” and the whole “everyone’s a victim” thing.

Wherever you sit in your opinion of trauma - there is an overwhelming number of people who are impacted by it, either directly themselves or indirectly via someone they care about. So if we’re being really honest, a lot of us could probably do with a being a bit more trauma-informed.

Stress vs. Trauma - What’s the Difference?

Stress is a natural response to a challenging or threatening situation. In moderate amounts, stress is actually good for us. It helps our adaptive health, cognitive function and overall performance. The stress that ain’t so good is excessive and/or chronic stress. Important to note, stress generally goes away once the stressor is removed.

Trauma, on the other hand, is inherently long-lasting and can come from a one-off event, a prolonged event or a series of events. Trauma-expert Dr. Paul Conti defines trauma, “not as anything negative that happens to us but something that overwhelms our coping skills and leaves us different as we move forward.”

More specifically, trauma physiologically changes the brains and those changes can have significant adverse and long-term effects on our lives. Unlike stress, trauma does not go away when its cause is simply removed.

How Trauma Changes Brain Functioning

In a ‘traumatized’ brain, the fear response system becomes hyperactive. The amygdala (i.e. emotional processing) becomes hypersensitive, the prefrontal cortex (i.e. rational thinking) is potentially impaired and the hippocampus (i.e. memory formation) is disrupted, which can make memories fragmented and distorted.

Changes to the amygdala can manifest as hyper-vigilance, increased fear, and heightened levels of reactivity. Likewise, changes to the prefrontal cortex can lead to difficulties in managing emotions, impulse control and decision-making. And changes to the hippocampus can make it really hard to form a coherent narrative of one’s experience(s).

We also see changes to the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) Axis. The HPA is essentially what controls your body’s stress response. When disrupted, we see things like the chronic activation of stress hormones (e.g. cortisol), heightened states of arousal and/or anxiety, and difficulty relaxing or feeling safe.

How Trauma Impacts Relationships

Traumatic experiences, especially when younger, can disrupt the development of secure attachment styles. That means that trauma survivors are likely to struggle with trust, intimacy, and forming healthy connections with others.

Typically this shows up as what’s called a ‘disorganized’ attachment style. This can look like extreme swings between being anxious vs. avoidant, having difficulties setting boundaries, or fear being vulnerable and getting hurt.

Unresolved trauma can manifest in the form of ‘reenactment patterns’ in relationships. This essentially means survivors (often subconsciously) seek out relationships or situations that replicate aspects of their traumatic experience(s). In doing so, they’re attempting to gain a sense of control, understanding, and/or repair past wounds.

Unfortunately, these ‘reenactment patterns’ may drive trauma survivors to seek partners who are emotionally unavailable, critical, need ‘fixing’, controlling, or untrustworthy.

On Healing

The reality is, it takes work. It can however, very much be done (and I speak from personal experience as someone with C-PTSD - see resources below). Here are some signs of healing:

• Increased self-awareness: Becoming aware of emotions, triggers, and patterns of behavior.

• Improved emotional regulation: An enhanced ability to manage and regulate emotions and to move through loops vs. feeling ‘stuck’.

• Enhanced sense of safety: A gradual restoration of trust of self and others. Feeling secure, grounded, and less hypervigilant.

• Increased resilience: Increased ability to cope with challenges, setbacks, and triggers. Greater capacity for change.

• Improved interpersonal relationships: Establishing healthier boundaries, meaningful connections, and more mutualism and equality in relationships.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Take 5-10 minutes and write your inner child a letter. Acknowledge any pain and struggles they may have faced, express empathy and compassion, remind them they’re not alone and encourage them to express any feelings/fears without judgment. Reassure them and express unconditional love for them.

Bonus! For our London-based crew, the fab Emma Boyton is launching her Sex Talks Podcast. Details and tickets here, use FERLY for a 10% discount.

2 Questions to Ponder

• How well do I understand trauma and how, if at all, does trauma manifest in my life and shape my beliefs and behaviors?

• How can I be more empathetic to trauma and hold space for healing, for myself and others?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

📚 The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. van der Kolk

🎧 How Trauma Works and How to Heal From it by Tim Ferriss and Dr. Paul Conti

📚 What Happened to You? by Dr. Perry and Oprah

And that’s it lovelies, have a wicked week!

p.p.s. If you want more science-based tips follow us on the ‘gram (and join the other 50K folx who already do!)