How to Take Control of your Life 💪

Hey cats! 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5 minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

Agency - How Do You Know its Lacking?

Agency is your ability act out your decisions. When you lack agency, you essentially feel overwhelmed by life and/or your relationship(s) and you struggle to make decisions. A lack of agency feels exhausting and like you’re stuck or directionless. Life is on auto-pilot, things are happening to you and you’re not in control. You may also find that you have this chronic, low-level feeling of worry, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is or where it’s coming from.

When your ability to make decisions and take action erodes, you lose the feeling of being in command and connected. You’re there but you’re not really there - sort of like a passive observer instead of an active participant. This is where behaviours like co-depending and people-pleasing can manifest. A lack of agency also looks like folks staying in relationships (or jobs, friendships, locations, etc.) longer than they should. The effort of leaving is more overwhelming than the dissatisfaction of staying. There’s also some great research linking agency and anxiety. The less in command you feel, the more anxious you become. The more anxious you become, the more overwhelming it feels to make decisions and take action. Rinse and repeat. 🌀

Agency & Sex

When it comes to navigating agency and sex, things can feel a little more… “complicated”, but it doesn’t have to be. This is where the opportunity for growth comes in. Think about it. If you can practice building and maintaining your agency in the most intimate and vulnerable context, asking for a raise or saying “no” to family becomes a lot easier. Managing expectations, setting relationship terms, avoiding sexual risks, exploring desires, challenging norms, prioritising pleasure, future planning, giving or refusing consent… each is exercising your sexual agency.

How to Be More Agentic - 1 Thing to Try This Week

5 options, choose whichever most speaks to ya…

1. Cut out distractions - do a digital detox. Delete/unsubscribe from apps, put time limits on, unfollow people, etc. Bonus for intimacy - schedule a “screen free” date and sleep with your phone away from your bed for 7 nights (and no B.S. re. “I need the alarm”, you’ll still hear it from across the room).

2. Minimise drains, maximise gains. Take 5-10 minutes writing down people and activities that give you energy, take energy, or do nothing for ya. Seek to minimise the drains/neutrals and prioritise the gains. You can do the same for sex and relationships too (e.g. kissing with tongue, going to bed late, spending time with inlaws, etc.)

3.  Count the “shoulds”. Count the number of times you tell yourself, “I should/shouldn’t” over the week. Pay attention to what your body tells you vs. what you ignore and/or override. See what comes up when you do the things you want to instead of those you “should” or “shouldn’t”.

4. Do an Important/Urgent List. Take a piece of paper and divide it into 4 squares. Categorise your decisions according to the grid below.

   1. Top left square = Important/Urgent (prioritise)

   2. Top right square = Important/Non-Urgent (prioritise)

   3. Bottom left square = Unimportant/Urgent (ditch)

   4. Bottom right square = Unimportant/Non-Urgent (ditch)

5. Take action. Those big decisions you’ve been avoiding? Stop. Make 1 big decision this week and act on it. Do it yourself rather than letting external forces make it for you and/or delaying it and staying stuck.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. When it comes to sex and your romantic relationship(s), how often do you make decisions yourself vs. make decisions together vs. let the other person make decisions on your behalf? Why?

2. Don’t overthink it. What’s 1 action you could take today that would make you feel more in command of sex, your relationship or your life? Why haven’t you done it yet? Can you?

3 Read/Watch/Listens

📚 The Power of Agency by Dr. Paul Napper and Dr. Anthony Rao

🎧 Reclaiming your Sexual Agency w Dr. Julianna Hauser

📚 Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

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