Hi my loves 🧡

Here’s your next dose of Turned On - your 5-minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

We talk a lot about desire as if it's something that either shows up or doesn't. Like a light switch. On or off. But what if desire isn't something you wait for? What if it's something you create? And what if the reason it's gone quiet isn't because it's disappeared, but because nobody's been tending to it?

This week I want to talk about something that happens in so many relationships and almost never gets named. The slow, silent fade of physical intimacy. Not because anyone stopped caring. But because both of you stopped starting.

This Week's Read...

The roles we fall into

Here's what I see happening all the time. Somewhere along the way, one of you became the initiator and the other became the responder. Maybe it happened in the first few weeks. Maybe it crept in after kids or stress or just life getting louder. But at some point, the roles got fixed. One person always makes the first move. The other either says yes or no. And that dynamic, when it goes unquestioned for long enough, starts to rot things from the inside out.

Because here's the truth: the person who's always initiating eventually starts to feel unwanted. And the person who never initiates doesn't necessarily lack desire. They've just stopped being the one to act on it. Both people end up frustrated. Both people feel disconnected. And neither of them quite knows when it started.

Why we stop starting

If you're the one who never initiates, I'm not here to make you feel guilty. I'm here to get curious about why. Because it's rarely as simple as "I just don't want to." Usually, it's one of a few things.

Sometimes it's learned. A lot of us grew up absorbing the idea that sex is something that happens to us, not something we create. That desire is supposed to come knocking, and our job is to open the door or keep it shut. Nobody taught us that we could be the ones to knock.

Sometimes it's emotional. Fear of rejection, body image stuff, shame you didn't even know you were carrying. Initiating makes you visible. It means putting your desire on the table and risking someone saying not tonight. That vulnerability can feel like too much, especially if you've been knocked back before.

And sometimes it's just practical. You're exhausted. You're overstimulated. You've been touched out by kids all day. The mental load has swallowed every last bit of energy and the idea of creating one more thing feels impossible. Your desire hasn't gone anywhere. It's just buried under everything else.

The resentment nobody talks about

Here's where it gets tricky. When these roles stay fixed, resentment builds on both sides. The initiator starts to feel like they're begging. Like they're the only one who cares about the physical side of the relationship. They stop feeling desired and start feeling like a nuisance. So eventually, they stop trying too.

And now nobody's initiating. Sex gets less frequent, then rare, then nonexistent. And the really painful part? You stop talking about it. The gap becomes the new normal. You're missing someone you sleep next to every single night, and neither of you knows how to say it out loud.

This is where relationships start to unravel

I want to be honest with you here because I think it matters. In my work, I see this pattern more than almost anything else. And what surprises most people is how far it goes if nobody names it. It doesn't just stay in the bedroom. It leaks into everything. The way you talk to each other gets shorter. The in-jokes dry up. You start living like flatmates who happen to share a bed. And slowly, quietly, the whole relationship begins to fade. Not with a big dramatic ending, but with a long, slow drift that neither of you quite saw coming. I've watched genuinely loving couples lose each other over this. Not because they stopped caring, but because the distance grew so gradually that by the time they noticed, it felt too big to bridge. I don't say that to scare you. I say it because if you're reading this and something's clicking, now is the time to do something about it. Not in six months. Now.

Desire doesn't just show up, you build the conditions for it

This is the bit I really want you to hear. If you're waiting for desire to magically reappear, you might be waiting a long time. Desire thrives on mutual engagement. It needs both people leaning in. Not in a performative, forced, "we must schedule sex every Thursday" kind of way. But in a "let's create the conditions where wanting each other has room to breathe" kind of way.

That might look like sending a message in the middle of the day that says I've been thinking about you. It might look like a long cuddle on the sofa with zero pressure for it to lead anywhere. It might look like lighting a candle, putting on music, slowing things down just enough that your nervous system goes oh, we're doing something different tonight.

You don't need to rewire the whole system. You just need to flip a small switch. And then another one. And then another one.

Say the quiet thing out loud

If you're reading this and recognising yourself in any of it, here's what I'd suggest. Say the thing. Say it to your partner. Not as an accusation. Not as a complaint. Just as an honest, brave observation. Something like: we're not having much sex lately and I miss you. That's it. That sentence alone can crack something open. Because chances are, they've been feeling it too. They just didn't know how to start the conversation. And starting the conversation is its own form of initiation.

And if this is hitting close to home and you'd like some support with it, send me a note to [email protected], I'd love to help. Or you can book a call with me below 👇

Your Weekly Framework to Turn Yourself On

💡 One thing to try: Initiate something this week. It doesn't have to be sex. Send a flirty text. Hold their hand for no reason. Kiss them like you mean it when you get home. Just be the one who starts something and notice how it feels to be the person who reaches across first.

❓ Two questions to ponder: If your partner stopped initiating tomorrow, would sex just... stop? What does that tell you? What would need to change for you to feel brave enough to be the one who starts it?

🎧 One piece of content to consume: Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are. If you haven't read it yet, this is your sign. She breaks down desire in a way that will make you feel seen, understood, and a lot less broken.

Love, Lexy 🧡

Buy:

p.s. If you want an even bigger dose of science-based tips, tools and techniques to help improve your sexual wellbeing, follow us on the ‘gram (and join the other 50K folx who already do!)