Stress Is Killing Your Sex Drive—Here’s How to Get It Back

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read time: 5 minutes

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This Week’s Read…

Why Stress and Arousal Can’t Coexist

Imagine you’re a zebra grazing peacefully in the sun. The grass is soft beneath your hooves, the air is warm, and everything in your body is relaxed.

Suddenly, you hear rustling in the bushes. A lion emerges.

Your body doesn’t hesitate—it activates survival mode in an instant. Your heart pounds, adrenaline surges, blood rushes to your limbs so you can run. Every ounce of your energy is now focused on one thing: escaping the threat.

Now, let’s pause for a second.

Do you think the zebra, in this exact moment, is thinking about mating? Or feeling a deep craving for intimacy?

Of course not.

Because arousal and survival cannot happen at the same time.

Now, replace the lion with your overflowing inbox, unpaid bills, a looming work deadline, or that emotionally draining text you haven’t responded to yet.

Your brain doesn’t know the difference.

When you’re stressed, your body prioritizes survival over pleasure. You might not be running for your life, but your nervous system is still flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, preparing you for fight, flight, or freeze—not for intimacy, connection, or turn-on.

🚨 Translation?
If your body is on high alert all day, it can’t just flip a switch and be ready for sex at night—no matter how much you love your partner, how attracted you are to them, or how much you wish you felt in the mood.

Arousal requires safety. Your nervous system has to believe it’s safe before it can shift into desire.

And if you’re wondering why you used to feel spontaneous desire before—think about your life back then.

• Were you less stressed?

• Did you have fewer responsibilities?

• Were you more present in your body, rather than living in a constant state of mental overload?

• Were you in the early stages of your relationship and things still felt novel?

This isn’t about “losing your sex drive.” This is about creating an environment where desire can actually exist.

🔥 The solution? It starts with learning how to signal safety to your body—which is what we’ll do next.

🎯 1 Thing to Try: The 5-Minute Nervous System Reset

Before sex (or any intimate moment), take five minutes to calm your nervous system:

1. Shake it out. Stand up and shake your arms, legs, and torso to release built-up stress.

2. Breathe slow and deep. Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. Longer exhales signal safety.

3. Touch yourself or your partner non-sexually. A slow massage, skin-to-skin contact, or even holding hands helps shift you into relaxation.

👉 Why it works: Your body needs a bridge from stress to pleasure. This exercise tells your nervous system, it’s safe to feel good.

💡 2 Questions to Ponder:

1. What’s one small way you can release tension before intimacy?

2. How does stress show up in your body, and how can you work with it instead of against it?

📚 3 Content Recommendations

🎬 Watch: The Mind Explained: Anxiety – How stress affects your body and brain. Watch here

🎧 Listen: The Nervous System and Sex – A podcast episode with Dr. Emily Nagoski. Listen here

📖 Read: Burnout by Emily & Amelia Nagoski – How stress affects women differently and how to release it. Read here

💬 Food For Thought

"Your body can’t be in survival mode and turned on at the same time. Pleasure starts with safety."

📢 Know someone who needs this? Forward this reminder to them: Pleasure requires safety. Make space for both.

Sent with pleasure,

Billie ✨

Personal Support

_{I’m Billie, a certified Holistic Health Coach, Sex Educator and author of a soon to be released sexual wellness manual with Penguin, TedX Speaker, and co-founder of Ferly (where we’ve helped 500,000 women nurture their most important relationships).}

_{I empower women to enjoy their sex lives, cultivate deeply nourishing relationships and find their power!}

_{How I can help you:}

✨ _{1:1 Coaching}

_{We’ll work together to cultivate a sex life you love and a relationship you’re excited by. I work in an evidence based way, drawing on the latest science. Our time together will be empowering, playful and transformative. Ready?}