The Way You Argue Might Be Killing Your Sex Life

Turn Yourself On: Get the book that will transform your sex life.

Read Time: 5 minutes

👋 Hi my loves,

Welcome to Pillow Talk, your weekly dose of inspiration, guidance, and actionable tools to help you reclaim your desire, rebuild sexual confidence, and deepen intimacy—starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

You deserve a vibrant, pleasurable, and deeply fulfilling sex life. Let’s help you claim it.

This Week’s Read…

What If Your Next Argument Didn’t Pull You Further Apart?

Let’s be real for a second—most of us never learned how to argue in a way that actually brings us closer.

What we learned was how to be right. How to prove a point. How to win.

But here’s the hard truth:

You might get the last word, the moral high ground, the mic drop moment... but the vibe? It’s gone. The trust takes a hit. The intimacy fades just a little.

So what if instead of trying to win, you tried to understand?
What if the goal wasn’t being right—but being together?

💡 “I’m not here to win. I’m here to understand.”

I picked this up from Jefferson Fisher, and honestly, it’s one of the most powerful shifts I’ve made in how I communicate—especially during conflict.

When things get heated, it’s so easy to snap, shutdown, or go for the jugular. But that never actually gets us what we want, right?

This little phrase reminds me: I’m not trying to beat my partner—I’m trying to be with them.

We’re not on opposite teams. We’re on the same one. And we’re trying to figure this messy, beautiful thing out together.

🧠 Why Arguments Can Feel So Wild in Your Body

When you’re in a fight, your brain gets hijacked. Your heart pounds, your jaw tightens, your words get sharp—or maybe you go completely numb.

That’s your amygdala going, “ALERT! DANGER! DEFEND!” even if you’re just trying to ask for a little more help around the house.

Once your nervous system is activated like that, calm communication is kind of... off the table.

This is why regulation is everything.
You’ve got to soothe the panic before you say the thing. Otherwise, you're just throwing emotional grenades.

🌿 How to Ground Yourself Mid-Fight (Without Storming Off or Shutting Down)

Before you snap or spiral, pause. Breathe. Feel your feet on the floor. Then remind yourself:

This doesn’t mean you don’t get to share your truth.
It means you’re choosing to share it in a way that invites connection, not defensiveness.

Then try one of these:

Sounds simple. Feels radical.

🎭 How Regulated Communication Actually Sounds

Here’s what this can look like in real life:

💬 Before:
“Oh wow, so it’s my fault again? Classic.”
(defensive, sarcastic, guaranteed spiral)

💬 After:
“This is feeling tense. I want to understand where you’re coming from—but I also want to feel heard. Can we take a sec?”
(calm, honest, emotionally available)

💬 Before:
“You never listen to me. Why do I even bother?”
(blamey, shuts down connection)

💬 After:
“When I don’t feel heard, I start to shut down. I really want to stay connected—can we try this again?”
(vulnerable, invites repair)

💬 Before:
“Whatever. Do what you want.”
(passive-aggressive, no resolution in sight)

💬 After:
“I feel stuck and I don’t want us to go in circles. Can we take a break and talk about this with fresh energy?”
(self-responsible, team-player energy)

❤️ Okay But... What Does This Have to Do With Sex?

Everything.

Because if you want good sex—like really good, connected, soul-deep sex—you need emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy gets built (or broken) during moments of conflict.

Every time we fight in a way that disconnects us—snapping, shutting down, rolling eyes, weaponising silence—we create tiny emotional cuts. Little by little, those cuts create distance. Resentment. Walls.

And what happens when there’s distance?
Sex becomes another thing to avoid. Another place where we don’t feel seen, heard, or safe.

So yes, learning to argue well is a turn-on.
Not in the immediate, throw-your-clothes-off way—but in the trust-building, heart-opening, “I feel safe to be myself with you” kind of way. And that’s the real foundation of erotic connection.

🛠️ “But Why Am I Always the One Doing the Work?”

Oof. I hear this all the time—and I’ve felt it too.
It can feel deeply unfair to be the one reading the newsletters, trying the tools, taking the breaths, staying regulated when your partner is just... doing what they’ve always done.

And here’s what I’ll say:

You’re not doing this for them.
You’re doing this for the relationship you want.
The kind where you feel safe, connected, respected—and yeah, turned on.

You’re not being a doormat. You’re being a leader.
You’re role modeling what healthy looks like. And most of the time, that energy is contagious. It doesn’t happen overnight, but people learn from being around someone who communicates with compassion and clarity.

You go first. Not forever. Just first.

And if they’re the right person? They’ll follow.

What If You Didn’t Have to Do This Alone?

Look, this kind of communication doesn’t just happen.
It takes practice. Regulation. Rewiring.

And trying to do it all on your own—especially when you’re already tired, frustrated, or carrying sexual pain—is a lot to ask of yourself.

That’s where coaching comes in.

In our work together, I’ll help you build the tools to stay grounded in hard conversations, express what you actually want (without the drama), and create the kind of emotional safety that fuels deep connection and great sex.

You’ll stop second-guessing, spiraling, or shutting down—and start communicating in a way that brings your partner closer, not further away.

This isn’t about learning how to win. It’s about learning how to stay connected—even when it’s hard.
And I’ll be right there with you, every step of the way.

Ready to feel more confident, calm, and connected in your relationship?

✨ 1 Thing to Try:

Next time you're feeling something you want to express—whether it’s a desire, a boundary, or even a compliment—pause and check in:

• Take a breath. Feel your feet on the ground.

• Remind yourself: I don’t have to say it perfectly. I just have to say it from calm and clarity.

• Use “I” language. Be specific. Lead with what you want more of, not what’s missing.

Tiny shift. Big impact.

💡 2 Questions to Ponder:

1. What conversations have I been avoiding because I fear they’ll come out wrong?

2. How might my intimacy shift if I practiced speaking from calm instead of frustration?

📚 3 Content Recommendations

Follow: @jefferson_fisher on Instagram – Bite-sized tools to navigate emotional conversations with clarity and compassion.

Watch: "The Power of the Pause" – One of his most-watched reels. A masterclass in staying grounded before reacting.

Listen: Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel – Honest, moving conversations about communication, intimacy, and all the stuff we struggle to say.

💬 Food For Thought

"Being heard doesn’t require the perfect words. It requires your presence."

📢 Forward this to someone who needs this reminder:
The way you speak about sex can be soft and strong. You just have to practice.

Sent with pleasure,

Billie ✨

Personal Support

_{I’m Billie, a certified Holistic Health Coach, Sex Educator and author of the sexual wellness manual, ‘Turn Yourself On’, publishing in May with Penguin. I’ve also delivered a TedX on the future of pleasure and co-founded the #1 sexual wellness app, Ferly (where we’ve helped 500,000 women nurture their most important relationships).}

_{I empower women to enjoy their sex lives, cultivate deeply nourishing relationships and find their power!}

_{How I can help you:}

✨ _{1:1 Coaching}

_{We’ll work together to cultivate a sex life you love and a relationship you’re excited by. I work in an evidence based way, drawing on the latest science. Our time together will be empowering, playful and transformative. Ready?}