Hey folks! 👋

Here’s your weekly dose of Pillow Talk - your 5(ish) minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life. This week I’ve been reading up on some of Dr. John Gottman’s relationship research, which has some pretty cool findings. Want to be more turned on by your partner both in the bedroom and beyond? Stop doing these 4 things in your relationship(s)…

🐎🐎🐎🐎 = 💔🌵 vs. 🙅‍♀️🐎🐎🐎🐎 = ❤️💦

The 4 Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

High level summary is that Gottman completed 12 longitudinal studies with over 3000 couples, some of which he observed for 20 years. Based on the findings of his studies, he can predict with 90% accuracy whether couples will thrive or fail. The tell tale signs? What he calls ‘The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse’ (not intimidating at all). Essentially, these behaviours are where our dreams of great sex go to die.

🐎 #1 Criticism

I touched on criticism before in an earlier read but as a recap, criticism is when we attack another person’s character or personality traits rather than addressing a specific behaviour or issue. Criticism sounds like, “You never care about my pleasure after you come.” You can manage criticism by instead giving a healthy complaint. An example being, “I was frustrated that after you finished yesterday, you went straight to bed. If you climax before I do, I’d love for you to ask me if there’s anything else I need so we can our pleasure equal.”

🐎 #2 Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically a protective response to criticism and involves justifying oneself or making excuses, denying responsibility, or counterattacking. This often shows up as shirking blame, feigning indignation or redirecting feedback. A defensive response to the complain above would be, “Well, you never ask for what you want.” You can manage defensiveness by taking responsibility. “You’re right, I assumed we were both finished. I’ll make sure to ask if there’s anything else you need next time.” This doesn’t mean taking the blame for everything but it does mean acknowledging one’s contributions, even if they’re small.

🐎 #3 Contempt

Contempt is an expression of superiority and disrespect towards a partner. It is the most destructive 🐎 because it seeks to harm. It often manifests as sarcasm, cynicism, condescension, insulting, name-calling, eye-rolling, mimicking or belittling. It also shows up in passive aggressive comments, backhanded compliments or subtle put-downs. This might look like rolling your eyes after sex and saying, “I’m glad at least one of us finished.” You can manage contempt by expressing your feelings when and as they come rather than letting frustration and resentment build up over time.

🐎 #4 Stonewalling 

Stonewalling happens when a person shuts down and completely withdraws from a conversation or situation. It’s often a response to contempt. Stonewalling happens when someone perceives that they are under threat and enters a ‘freeze’ stress response. They become physiologically flooded and overwhelmed by their own emotions. Stonewalling looks like ignoring, tuning out, tidying, being busy, avoiding, walking away or engaging in distracting activities. You can manage stonewalling by taking a pause and self-soothing so as to allow for a system reset.

1 Thing to Try This Week

Whilst Gottman looked at these horsemen through the lens of romantic relationships, the same principles apply across all of your relationships. Bad communication is bad communication.

For this week, choose someone who gets under your skin just a tad or irks you that tiny little bit (but not someone who makes you want to lose your sh*t). Have a conversation with them and see if you can get into a friendly debate. As you do, pay attention to whether any of these horsemen start to rear up. Use this as insight into some of your default communication patterns and a map for areas you can improve.

2 Questions to Ponder

1. In what ways could I express my sexual wants and needs better?

2. How do the four horsemen show up in my romantic relationship(s)? How do they show up in my relationship in general? E.g. family, friends, co-workers, etc.

3 Read/Watch/Listens

📚 Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski (released today)

📚 Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Gottman et al.

👀 How to Not be Defensive In Relationships by the School of Life

Happy start of February crew! I’ve been in Canada for the last while and I’m happy to say it’s no longer -41 degrees celsius and has warmed up to a balmy -2 (I even saw some dudes in shorts on the weekend, suppose it’s all relative tho 🤷‍♀️).

Hope you’re all keeping snugged,

xx Anna