The Brain Science of Sexual Confidence

Turn Yourself On: Get the book that will transform your sex life.

Read Time: 5 minutes

👋 Hi my loves,

Welcome to Pillow Talk, your weekly dose of inspiration, guidance, and actionable tools to help you reclaim your desire, rebuild sexual confidence, and deepen intimacy—starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

You deserve a vibrant, pleasurable, and deeply fulfilling sex life. Let’s help you claim it.

This Week’s Read…

Sexting, Self-Doubt, and How Confidence is Actually Built

The first time I tried sexting, I wanted to throw my phone out the window.

Seriously. I typed and deleted messages a thousand times, my cheeks burning with embarrassment at every awkward attempt. I was convinced I'd ruin the mood, or worse, become an embarrassing screenshot.

But curiosity got the better of me. Instead of running away, I leaned in. I devoured steamy erotica for ideas, got inspired by Ferly’s sexy audio stories, and dared myself to practice, awkward texts and all. Slowly, something shifted. Sexting transformed from cringeworthy anxiety to playful excitement, deepening intimacy in ways I never imagined.

Here’s the truth no one tells you: Confidence—especially sexual confidence—isn't something you're born with. It’s something you build, one deliciously uncomfortable step at a time.

The Science Of Self-Confidence

We often think confidence is something you either have or don’t—like good genes, great hair, or perfect rhythm on the dance floor.

But science tells us something totally different: confidence isn’t fixed, it’s flexible. Your brain is constantly reshaping itself, forming new connections and pathways.

Neuroscientists call this process neuroplasticity, and it’s basically your secret superpower.

Think of building confidence like strength training at a new gym. At first, trying something new—like initiating sex, sharing a bold fantasy, or clearly expressing what you want—feels uncomfortable. It's like walking into a space that’s unfamiliar to you (like the first time I went to the iconic body building gym, Gold’s - that was terrifying).

You might feel awkward, unsure, or even shaky at first. But each time you walk in, lift weights and push slightly beyond your comfort zone, your "confidence muscle" grows stronger and walking in feels easier and more natural than before.

But let’s nerd out a little more: every time you choose vulnerability, like sending that daring text or suggesting something new in bed, your brain initially floods with adrenaline and cortisol, creating that nervous flutter in your stomach or racing heartbeat.

Your body is saying, “Whoa, this feels risky!”

However, if you follow through anyway, your brain rewards your bravery by releasing mood-boosting chemicals like dopamine and serotonin.

These chemicals feel fantastic and signal to your brain, “Hey, that risky thing? It actually paid off!” This reinforcement makes future courage feel less scary and more rewarding.

Now, the real magic happens when you add in the "secret sauce": self-compassion.

Research shows that pairing brave actions with gentle kindness towards yourself releases oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone." Oxytocin reduces stress, calms anxiety, and makes your nervous system feel safe, deeply accelerating your confidence-building journey.

So, next time you hesitate about making a bold move—initiating intimacy, sharing your desires, or simply voicing what feels good—remember: it’s not just bravery, it’s brain chemistry.

Confidence grows with practice, courage, and compassion. And science confirms it: the kinder and more patient you are with yourself as you build this muscle, the quicker you'll feel truly confident: in your skin, in your voice, and in your sex life.

Here’s a playful, easy-to-remember formula to simplify the process of building sexual confidence:

The "3 Cs" Formula to Boost Your Sexual Confidence

1. Courage
Take one small action that feels brave or slightly vulnerable (initiating intimacy, sharing a desire, or experimenting).

2. Compassion
Speak kindly to yourself afterward—no matter how it went!
(E.g., "Nice work, you were brave, and I'm proud of you!")

3. Celebrate
Pause to notice the good feelings.
(This reinforces your brain’s positive association with courage.)

In short:
✨ Courage → Compassion → Celebrate ✨

Repeat often, and watch your confidence bloom!

Low sexual self-confidence doesn’t just coexist with sexual difficulties—it can actually create and reinforce them. Here's how:

1. Tension and Anxiety in the Body

When you're not feeling confident, your body often reflects that with physical tension. During sex, this can lead to discomfort, difficulty becoming aroused, or even pain (especially with penetration). If you're bracing yourself, trying to perform, or feeling disconnected from your body, it's much harder to experience pleasure.

2. Overthinking Disconnects You From Sensation

Low confidence often puts you in your head: “Do I look okay? Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying it?”
This mental chatter pulls you out of the present moment and away from your physical sensations—making it much harder to feel turned on or reach orgasm.

3. Avoidance of Sexual Scenarios

When you don’t feel good about yourself sexually, you may start avoiding intimacy altogether. That could look like turning down sex, skipping vulnerability, or only engaging in “safe,” low-risk sexual experiences. Over time, this avoidance can lead to lower desire, less connection, and reinforce the belief that sex isn’t for you.

4. Inability to Advocate for What You Need

If you don’t feel confident expressing your desires, giving feedback, or setting boundaries, it’s much harder to create satisfying sexual experiences. You may end up going along with things that don’t feel good or missing out on the things that do—which can leave sex feeling unfulfilling, even painful or anxiety-inducing.

5. The Shame Spiral

Sexual difficulties (like low libido, pain, or trouble reaching orgasm) can lower your confidence—and then low confidence worsens the difficulty. It becomes a vicious cycle. You start to feel broken, disconnected, or “not good at sex,” which just deepens the challenge.

The good news? 

This cycle can be interrupted. When you start to build your sexual self-confidence—step by step, with support and tools—you start to come back into your body, your voice, and your pleasure. And that’s when real healing begins.

Here’s the thing about confidence, especially sexual confidence: the hardest part is starting. It’s what I call the cold start problem.

You want to try something new. You want to say what you like, initiate intimacy, or even just feel good in your body again.

But then your chimp brain kicks in, you overthink it, spiral into “what ifs,” and convince yourself to stay quiet, play it safe, or just avoid sex altogether.

And if you've been struggling with something like low libido, pain during sex, or trouble reaching orgasm? That cold start can feel absolutely freezing.

This is where coaching makes all the difference.

In our work together, I help you take that very first step: the brave, awkward, slightly-scary one, in a way that feels safe and supported.

We work gently, but intentionally, to rebuild your sexual confidence from the ground up. You’ll learn how to quiet the self-doubt, tune back into your body, and start doing the things that feel bold but deeply you, without having to do it alone.

You don’t need to feel confident to begin. You just need a space where it’s safe to practice. That’s what I offer.

Ready to building your sexual confidence?

✨ 1 Thing to Try:

Pick one small sexual scenario that feels just slightly intimidating (in a good way!). Here are some playful suggestions:

• Send a flirty, suggestive text to your partner today—just a tiny bit outside your usual comfort zone.

• Gently initiate something new in bed—like guiding your partner’s hand or softly whispering something you’d love to try.

• Practice saying exactly what feels good in the moment (trust me, your partner will love this clarity!).

After you’ve done it, take a moment to celebrate yourself. Remind yourself how brave you were, even if it was just a little step. Say something like:

💡 2 Questions to Ponder:

1. What’s one thing I’ve been avoiding sexually because I’m worried about feeling awkward or embarrassed?

2. How would my sex life change if I truly believed my desires and confidence were something I could nurture, rather than something fixed?

📚 3 Content Recommendations

Listen: "Sex with Emily" by Emily Morse—playful, honest advice about growing sexual confidence, communicating clearly, and trying new things in bed.

Book: "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski—the essential read on how women build sexual confidence, feel good about their bodies, and enjoy authentic pleasure.

Watch: Season 2, Episode 7 of Sex Education. Aimee Lou discovers masturbation for the first time and it’s magic!

💬 Food For Thought

"Sexual confidence isn’t something you're born with—it’s something you bravely choose, practice, and claim."

📢 Forward this to someone who needs this reminder:
Awkward moments don’t mean you’re doing it wrong. They mean you’re growing.

Sent with pleasure,

Billie ✨

Personal Support

_{I’m Billie, a certified Holistic Health Coach, Sex Educator and author of the sexual wellness manual, ‘Turn Yourself On’, publishing in May with Penguin. I’ve also delivered a TedX on the future of pleasure and co-founded the #1 sexual wellness app, Ferly (where we’ve helped 500,000 women nurture their most important relationships).}

_{I empower women to enjoy their sex lives, cultivate deeply nourishing relationships and find their power!}

_{How I can help you:}

✨ _{1:1 Coaching}

_{We’ll work together to cultivate a sex life you love and a relationship you’re excited by. I work in an evidence based way, drawing on the latest science. Our time together will be empowering, playful and transformative. Ready?}