Hi my loves 🧡

Here’s your next dose of Turned On - your 5-minute read on how to have a healthy, confident and pleasurable life.

And before you roll your eyes at yet another orgasm gap stat, hear me out. Because this isn't actually about orgasms. It's about everything you're not saying. In bed and outside of it.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially after attending a brilliant webinar on sexual communication that reignited something I feel really passionately about. And it's this:

The biggest barrier to better sex isn't technique. It isn't lingerie. It isn't trying some new position you saw on Instagram. It's communication. Or more specifically, the lack of it.

Multiple studies show that communication during sex contributes to better sex and relationship satisfaction. I know, I know. That sounds obvious when you read it. But if it's so obvious, why aren't most of us doing it?

Because nobody taught us how.

Think about it. We were never given the tools to talk about what feels good, what doesn't, what we want more of, or what we'd like to try. Most of us were barely taught the basics of sex, let alone how to have a conversation during it. Research on sexual communication apprehension shows that most people score moderate to high in anxiety around talking about sex. So of course we freeze up. Of course we stay quiet. Of course we fake it.

And I say "we" because I've been there too.

I've faked more orgasms than I'd like to admit. Not because I didn't know what I wanted, but because saying it felt so much scarier than staying quiet. I'd rather perform pleasure than risk the vulnerability of asking for it. Sound familiar?

The Faking Loop

Here's something I see all the time in my coaching work. Faking an orgasm isn't just a little white lie. It feeds into a negative loop.

When you fake it, your partner never learns what actually works for you. So the sex stays the same (or gets worse). So you keep faking it. So they keep thinking everything's great. And slowly, without either of you realising it, desire starts to fade. Not because you've lost your libido, but because the sex you're having isn't the sex you actually want.

People fake orgasms for all sorts of reasons: wanting to seem sexually competent, being too tired to keep going, avoiding an awkward conversation, wanting to please their partner. And honestly? I get every single one of those reasons.

But the cost is your pleasure. And over time, your connection too.

Here's something I think about often: when someone tells me they have low desire, I always get curious about what the sex they're having actually looks and feels like. Because a lot of the time, it's not that they've lost their desire. They just don't want the sex they're currently having. That's a very different problem. And it's one that communication can actually fix.

So... What Do You Actually Say?

This is where it gets good.

Communication during sex doesn't have to be this big, scary, mood-killing thing. In fact, research shows it's the opposite. And there are so many ways to do it, most of which you're probably already doing without realising.

Eye contact, for example. Research found that prolonged eye contact is one of the most powerful forms of sexual communication. Most people reported finding it extremely attractive and intimate, but also challenging because of how vulnerable it feels. If that resonates, you're not alone.

Then there's verbal communication, which can range from soft and intimate ("I love being close to you like this") to playful and direct ("do that again"). And yes, dirty talk. Which, by the way, isn't just the stuff you hear in porn.

Dirty talk is a spectrum. It can be positive feedback ("you feel amazing"), intimacy bonding ("I love your body"), instructive ("show me what you like"), or just reflexive responses. You know, the sounds that come out of you when something feels really, really good. Those count too.

The point is, there's no single "right" way to communicate during sex. It depends on who you are, who you're with, and what feels authentic to you in that moment. Extroverts tend to be more verbal. Introverts often communicate more through touch and body language. Both are valid. The goal isn't to become a different person in bed. It's to become more honest.

A Framework That Actually Works

For anyone who wants to open up a conversation about sex with their partner but doesn't know where to start, here's a framework I love called PEVIS.

P is for Positive. Start with something genuine about your relationship or your partner. Something that makes them feel appreciated and safe.

E is for Explore. Before you dive into what you want, ask them what they think first. "I heard about this thing, what do you reckon?" It opens a dialogue instead of putting all the weight on you.

V is for Vulnerability. Share how you feel. Not what they're doing wrong. Just how you feel.

I is for I-language. "I feel..." instead of "You never..." or "You don't..." Blame shuts people down. Honesty opens them up.

S is for Suggest a solution. Don't just name the problem. Offer something fun and doable you can try together.

I love this because it takes the pressure off that terrifying "we need to talk" moment and turns it into something collaborative. Something that actually feels good for both of you.

One More Thing...

Something I want to name because I see it so often in my coaching sessions. If you try to communicate with your partner about sex and they react badly, get defensive, or shut down, that's not a communication failure on your part. That's often a self-esteem signal.

When someone gets really insecure about sexual feedback, it usually points to something deeper going on with how they see themselves. And in those cases, the first step isn't to push harder on the sex conversation. It's to build safety, trust, and confidence in the relationship as a whole. More compliments. More consistency. More showing up. Once that foundation is steady, the sexual communication naturally gets easier.

It's not about blaming your partner for being "bad at taking feedback." It's about understanding that vulnerability in the bedroom requires feeling safe first.

Your Weekly Framework to Turn Yourself On

❓ One thing to try This week, I want you to try saying one true thing during sex. It doesn't have to be big or dramatic. It could be as simple as "that feels really good" or "can you slow down?" or "I want you to kiss my neck." One honest sentence. That's it. If you're not currently having partnered sex, try it solo. Name out loud what feels good when you touch yourself. It might feel weird at first. Do it anyway. Your voice is part of your pleasure too.

🗣️ Two questions to ponder When was the last time you asked for what you wanted in bed... and actually meant it? If you could tell your partner one thing about your pleasure with zero fear of judgement, what would it be?

📚 One piece of content to consume Dr. Tara's new book, How Do You Like It? A Guide For Getting What You Want In Bed. It covers everything from discovering your sexual profile to communicating preferences to keeping long-term desire alive. Highly recommend.

Love, Lexy 🧡

Buy:

I’m Lexy, resident sex coach at Ferly, where we support women to reconnect with desire, confidence, and intimacy using a science-backed, practical approach that actually creates change.

The Ferly Method is built from years of research, real-world coaching, and insights from over a million women who’ve used the Ferly app, so it’s not about endless talking, it’s about understanding what’s really going on and taking simple, powerful action. I bring this framework to life through personalised one-to-one support to help women feel more connected, confident, and excited about intimacy again.

👉 Find out more about 1:1 support here

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