A woman I worked with recently told me something I hear all the time, in different versions, from so many women.

She said: "We'll be in bed, and he'll roll over and try to spoon me. Like pull me in closer. And I used to love it... I'd scooch my bum back into him, let myself settle against him, and it just felt so good to be close like that. But now? Now I just think ugh, I'm trying to sleep. I either lie there completely still hoping he thinks I've drifted off, or I shift away and leave this gap between us. And then I feel awful about it. Because I still love him. I really do. So why do I hate it when he does that now? I used to love it! Lexy, what's wrong with me?"

Nothing is wrong with her. And nothing is wrong with you, if that sounds familiar.

This is actually one of the key pieces of scientific research in understanding desire. Let me break it down for you.

Your desire isn't a tank that fills up and empties...

Your desire isn't a tank that fills up and empties. It's not something you "use up" or "lose." It's more like... a shower. Sometimes the water pressure is great, the temperature is perfect, and everything just works. Other times the pressure is low and the water's lukewarm and you're standing there thinking why am I bothering? Same shower. Same plumbing. Completely different experience, because the conditions changed.

And that's what happened in the bedroom. A few years ago, when he reached for her, the context was different. Her brain was in a different place. Less mental load, less routine, more novelty, more space. The touch itself hasn't changed. But everything surrounding it has.

This is what researchers call sexual context, and it's made up of two things:

Your external circumstances (who you're with, where you are, how safe or novel the situation feels, what happened that day). And your internal brain state (whether you're relaxed or stressed, trusting or resentful, present or mentally running through tomorrow's to-do list).

Here's what's really interesting. The research shows that women's sexual response is significantly more sensitive to context than men's. Which means the same touch, from the same person you love, can feel completely different depending on what's going on around it and inside you.

Think about it like this. Someone you fancy starts tickling you... that's flirty, right? Playful. Maybe it leads somewhere. Now imagine you're annoyed with that same person and they try to tickle you. Same sensation. But now you want to punch them in the face. (Tell me I'm wrong.)

It works with all your senses. A smell labelled "cheese" seems pleasant. The exact same smell labelled "body odour"? Revolting. Same smell, different context, completely different experience.

So when he reaches for you in bed, and your body doesn't respond the way it used to... that's not because your desire is broken. It's because you've just spent the entire day carrying a mental load the size of a small country, thinking about packed lunches and the electricity bill and whether you remembered to reply to that email. Your brain is in survival mode. And survival mode and desire don't tend to coexist very well.

The good news? Context is something you can actually work with. Once you understand what your specific brakes are (the things that shut desire down) and what your accelerators are (the things that help it show up), you stop trying to force something and start creating the conditions where it can happen naturally.

That's what we focus on at Ferly. Not "how do I make myself want sex again" but "what are the conditions where my desire actually thrives, and how do I build more of those into my real life?"

Last week, I asked you to consider doing something about this. And if you're sitting there thinking yeah, that all makes sense... but what if it doesn't actually work for me?

I'd be sceptical too, honestly.

Because if you've been dealing with this for a while, you've probably already tried a few things. The books that made sense but didn't change anything. Maybe therapy that felt like talking in circles. Maybe a GP visit that ended with "everything looks normal" and left you more confused than before.

So when someone says "I can help," your brain quite reasonably goes: but can you, though?

What I can tell you is this. The 1:1 support I provide at Ferly isn't typically open-ended. I usually only work with my clients for 12 weeks. And I’m very structured! Every week builds on the last and is completely grounded in the science of female desire. You'll know exactly where you are and where you're heading. It's not "let's see how you feel." It's a framework designed specifically around how female desire actually works.

And the women who were most sceptical at the start? They're currently off enjoying their sex lives, reconnecting with their partner and are happier and healthier for it.

So if you've got questions (even the awkward ones), a discovery call is just a conversation. Just an honest look at whether this is the right fit for you. It’ll just be me, probably a coffee, and a smile.

Warmly, Lexy 🧡

p.s. Want daily tips on sex, desire, and feeling at home in your body? Come follow us on Instagram. 50,000 women already have. 👉 follow us