I want to talk about something that doesn't get talked about enough when it comes to desire. And it's not hormones, it's not attraction, it's not even your relationship.

It's your nervous system!

I've been re-reading Emily Nagoski's work on the stress response cycle and honestly it's one of those things where you read it and think oh. Oh that's what's been happening to me. 🤯

So here's the short version.

Your body has three stress responses. You probably know fight or flight. But there's a third one that most people don't talk about: freeze.

Freeze is what happens when your brain decides you can't escape the threat and you can't fight it either. So it just... shuts you down. You go numb. You stop feeling. Your body pulls the handbrake on everything that isn't essential for survival.

Sound familiar?

Because here's the thing. Your body can't tell the difference between a lion chasing you and a really stressful week. Your physiology doesn't differentiate. The school run, the mental load, the argument you had on Tuesday, the fact that you haven't had five minutes to yourself in three days... your body processes all of that the same way it would process an actual physical threat.

And when your body is in threat mode, what gets switched off first?

Sex. Every time. 👋

Your brain basically goes: "Is now a good time to have sex? You're being chased by a lion. No. No it is not."

And that's not a metaphor. That is actually what's happening in your nervous system. Worry, anxiety, fear? That's "there's a lion, run!" Irritation, frustration, rage? That's "there's a lion, fight it!" And that numb, flat, shut down feeling where you just... don't want to be touched? That's "there's a lion, play dead."

None of those states are going to make you want sex… Your body is literally prioritising survival over pleasure. Because as far as your brain is concerned, practically everything else is more important than sex right now (I talk about stress A LOT with my clients).

So when you're lying in bed and he reaches for you and you feel... nothing. Or worse, you feel yourself physically recoil. That's not because you don't love him. It's not because you're not attracted to him. It's not because something is wrong with you.

It's because your stress cycle hasn't completed.

Here's what I mean by that. 👇

Stress has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The cycle is supposed to complete. You see the lion, you run, you escape, you celebrate being alive, your body relaxes. Done.

But in modern life? The stressors never stop. And we almost never complete the cycle. We just keep adding new stress on top of unfinished stress. All that activated stress just sits inside us. Making us tired, making us numb, and making it basically impossible to feel desire.

And most of us have been taught to deal with stress by either eliminating the stressor (good luck, the kids still need feeding) or just "relaxing" (as if you can switch it off like a light). Neither of those actually completes the stress cycle in your body.

What does? Physical movement. A proper cry. Affection. Deep breathing. Anything that tells your body "you have escaped the lion. You are safe now."

This is actually one of the key things I work on with my clients inside Ferly. Because so many women come to me thinking the problem is desire. They think they need to fix their sex drive. But actually what they need is to complete the stress cycles that have been building up for months, sometimes years, so their body can finally come out of survival mode and start feeling pleasure again. Stress is a great, big libido killer.

It's not about forcing yourself to want sex. It's about creating the conditions where desire can actually show up.

Warmly, Lexy 🧡

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