Why You Wanted Them All the Time… And Now You Don’t

dive back in: Ferly

read time: 5 minutes

Hi friends! 👋

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Nurturing Desire

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This Week’s Read…

Why Do We Feel More Spontaneous Desire in the Beginning?

In the early days of your relationship, desire was effortless. A single glance, a text message, the way they touched your arm—it all sent a thrill through your body. You didn’t have to try to feel turned on.

But now?

You still love them. You still find them attractive. But the urge doesn’t hit the same way. You don’t crave them at random moments like you used to. And sometimes, sex feels like just another thing on your to-do list.

🚨 Does this mean something is wrong?
No. You’re just experiencing a shift from dopamine-driven, spontaneous desire to a different kind of attraction—one that requires more intention.

🔥 The Science of Why Desire Feels Automatic in the Beginning

When you first fall for someone, your brain is flooded with dopamine—the neurotransmitter responsible for craving, addiction, and motivation.

In the honeymoon phase, everything about your partner is new:

• The way they touch you

• The sound of their voice

• The way they respond to you in bed

Each experience delivers a fresh dopamine hit, making desire feel automatic. Your brain is constantly rewarding you for pursuing this new, exciting connection.

💡 This is why, in new relationships, sex feels urgent and effortless.

But over time? That changes.

What Happens After the Honeymoon Phase?

As the relationship stabilizes, the newness fades. Your brain stops dumping dopamine at the same rate because it no longer perceives your partner as a novel reward. Instead, another neurotransmitter takes over:

🧠 Oxytocin—the bonding hormone.

Oxytocin is what deepens trust, security, and emotional connection. It’s essential for long-term love… but it doesn’t create the same excitement as dopamine.

This is why, over time:
✅ You feel more emotionally connected, but…
❌ You feel less spontaneous desire.

The Mistake Most People Make

Many people assume that losing spontaneous desire means something is wrong with the relationship—but that’s a myth.

Desire doesn’t disappear. It changes.

Instead of happening automatically, it becomes something you cultivate. And that’s not a failure—it’s part of the natural evolution of intimacy.

🎯 1 Thing to Try: The Responsive Desire Experiment

After the honeymoon phase, most people move from spontaneous desire (it just happens) to responsive desire (it needs a trigger).

🔹 Before: Desire came first, then arousal followed.
🔹 Now: Arousal comes first, and desire follows.

This means that instead of waiting for the urge to hit, you can actively create the conditions for turn-on:

• Touch each other non-sexually throughout the day (not just when sex is expected).

• Bring back novelty—do something new together, inside or outside the bedroom.

• Create time for relaxation—stress kills desire.

• Choose intimacy even when you don’t feel “in the mood” yet—because sometimes, desire comes after you engage, not before.

💡 Think of it like exercise:
You might not feel like working out, but once you start moving, you’re glad you did. Responsive desire works the same way—you might not feel instantly turned on, but when you engage with connection and pleasure, desire builds.

👉 Try This:
Tonight, instead of waiting to feel desire before initiating intimacy, start with gentle touch, deep breathing, or sensual movement—and see if desire follows.

💡 2 Questions to Ponder:

1. Have you been expecting desire to show up the way it did in the beginning?

2. What’s one thing you can do this week to create a better environment for desire?

📚 3 Content Recommendations

🎬 Watch: The Science of Love, Desire and Attachment. Watch here

🎧 Listen: Sex & Psychology Podcast – Responsive Desire – Breaking down the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. Listen here

📖 Read: Want by Gillian Anderson. Read here.

💬 Food For Thought

"The loss of spontaneous desire isn’t the loss of attraction—it’s an invitation to create deeper, more intentional intimacy."

📢 Forward this to someone who needs to hear: Desire isn’t broken—it just needs a spark.

Sent with pleasure,

Billie ✨

Personal Support

_{I’m Billie, a certified Holistic Health Coach, Sex Educator and author of a soon to be released sexual wellness manual with Penguin, TedX Speaker, and co-founder of Ferly (where we’ve helped 500,000 women nurture their most important relationships).}

_{I empower women to enjoy their sex lives, cultivate deeply nourishing relationships and find their power!}

_{How I can help you:}

✨ _{1:1 Coaching}

_{We’ll work together to cultivate a sex life you love and a relationship you’re excited by. I work in an evidence based way, drawing on the latest science. Our time together will be empowering, playful and transformative. Ready?}